Dancing

Every girl in the world dreams of one day dancing at her wedding. For me, I always dreamed of dancing of course with my father, but also my grandfathers. God had other plans though.

To me family is extremely important. I love my family very much. To be a 9 year old girl and those both your grandfathers was tradgic for me anyway. Today marks the 13 year annviersary of my Pop-Pop Heisey's death. I know I have spoken of him before, but I feel that I must again.

He was an army man, he served our country during WW2, Korea and Vitnam (sp?). I always looked up to him, he loved us all so very much. He was a jokester and he loved to eat sweets. He called us all "clowns" and I'd like to think that us grandkids where his pride and joy though I never actually heard him say that. He would have done anything for us, and done anything to protect us.

When I lost him, I tried to not cry, I tried to be a "strong little girl" for my Nana. I didn't want her to see me sad. I didn't want to cry in front of my mom. Maybe that's why I cry so much now, I held it in all the time as a kid, though I don't have a good reason for it.

On Friday night, I got a visit from my Pop-Pop. People may call me crazy, but my grandparents to visit me in my sleep occassionally. When I graduated high school, both my Pop-Pop and Grandpa visited me and in my dream with my Grandpa, I asked him, "how do I know you're really my Grandpa" and he licked his fingers and put out a candle on my birthday cake with his hands. I had no memory of him ever doing this and when I woke up the next morning, I asked my dad about it and he said that Grandpa use to do that all the time.

Anyway, in my dream, I was waiting in line to dance with I believe it was my Godfather and the line got cut off right in front of me. I was upset but there was another man standing in front of me with his back turned, he turned around and there standing right in front of me was my Pop-Pop. He asked me if he could dance with me and I cried and said yes. We talked and for a moment, I got to have that dance with my Pop-Pop that I was never able to have in my lifetime.

I asked him many things and we had a great conversation. I remember asking him if I should keep my job and he said "yes". I asked him if I was going to get in trouble and he said "no", not sure what I thought I was getting in trouble for though lol. I told him that I missed him soooooooooo much and loved him sooooooo much and he told me that he missed me and loved me too. I woke up with a smile and felt so peaceful.

Words cannot express how much I miss all my grandparents. I have had a very hard time dealing with this all for the past 13 years. I get so close to people and then they leave me. Through no fault of there own mind you. But still, I end up without them and am left to carry on. I have done my best. It's so nice to occassionally get a visit though. I got to give my Pop-Pop a kiss on the check last night, I felt this scruffiness of his not shaven face, I smelt his mixture of Old Spice and cigarettes. No one can tell me that wasn't my Pop-Pop the dream was too real.

I wish I would have gotten the chance to have the last 13 years with him. We would have been great friends. I am however greatful for the visit. It's the next best thing to having Pop-Pop himself.

Thank you Lord for the years I did have with him, my grandpa and my nana. I truly treasure them all. Thank you for blessing me with these amazing people. Thank you for the time we had together, no matter how short. May they all rest in peace.

Amen

The Chronicles of a Migraine Suffer

I have regretfully been a migraine sufferer of 4 years. Unlike many I know what triggered them in my life. While I won't go into the long story behind the start of my unfortunate pain, I must speak about this HORRIBLE thing called a migraine.

I have for some time now been attempting to manage my migraines to the best of my ability. I am on a preventitive and it had been working for months. Recently however (ever since my doctor switched my ppmd medication and sent my horomones haywire) I have been getting headsplitting, eye sight failing migraine headaches to the 50th power. All of which attack me at about 11:00am.

I SERIOUSLY WANT TO CUT MY HEAD OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in so much pain that I broke down and cried my freaking eyes out.

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, not even the new york yankees who I HATE!

Nothing is worse then having a headache that causes you to literally lose sight in your left eye, make your neck so stiff you can't look left to right, cause light, sound and smell to make you vomit, and your jaw to hurt beyond belief that even trying to tell your doctor about the pain causes you to hurt.

The doctor uped my medication.

Seriously, I can't live my life in this pain. It is horrible. I don't know what to do. I can't spend the next 70 years of my life suffering like this. I have to find a way to make it stop.

If this medication doesn't work, I'm demanding an MRI because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm done venting. I'm going to go put an ice pack on my neck.

2012

I must voice my opinion on this subject that I consider comletely ridiculous! You know, God works in extremely mysterious ways. Did anyone else happen to notice, that this weekend, the weekend that the "blockbuster film" 2012 came out, the gospel reading just happened to be about the end of times also?? AWESOME!!

I am a total nonbeliever in all this hype about the "end of times". Just because some culture out there had a timeline doesn't mean anything. Seriously, whose to say there isn't a missing piece.. I digress. Everytime this subject comes up, I always look at the person who I am talking too and state, "The Bible says you will not know the date or time of the end of the world." And while I knew it was in the Bible I never went in search of it, today however the Bible verse found me.

The end of the gospel today read "Truly I tell you, this generation will not pass away until all these things have taken place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away. But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come." Mark 13: 30-32.

My sister and I looked at each other and smiled, she pulled out her phone and typed in the verse so we could reference it on our return home. Inside I rejoiced and felt like I had won a small victory. Take that Myans! We WILL NOT KNOW THE TIME! It's so amazing.

Plus who is to say if this "mysterious disapperance of the myans" didn't have to do with what they were "messing" with. They were dealing with things they should not have and I'm not at all suprised that one day they were just gone.

No one knows when the end of the world is coming. Only God knows and I have a powerful sense of peace and comfort in that. God is who I trust. It doesn't get any better than that.

So to all those who are fearful of 2012, open your Bibles, your answer awaits you. We will not know the time.

You'll Be In My Heart

I am a firm believer in angels. God has blessed me with many angels in my life, through my family and my friends. As everyone has read, I've been kind of depressed recently. A lot of stuff has been going on and I just haven't been myself. Two weeks ago when feeling blue something tug at my heartstrings and told me to call my cousin Nate. I did and was invited to a seminar at his Church about God's Love for Me. While I had to miss last week's because I felt really crappy, it was amazing to be surronded by a great group of people and to hear the message he had. I will be going back this Sunday. By attending this with him it has also blessed me with getting to spend more time with my cousin and his roommate and my friend (I knew him first lol) Shawn. Just by being able to sit down with them and talk for hours has been an extreme blessing.

God has also blessed me with an amazingly strong family of wonderful supporters. A family that has NEVER stopped being there for each other. Even in death.

People may think I am crazy, I'm not sure how all these things are tolerated in the world, but I'm going to talk anyway.

January 15, 1996 I lost my Grandpa Wilson. I will never forget it. On January 10, 1996 (I remember I was at home watching 90210 with my mom, it was a Wednesday night) we got a frantic call from my Grandma saying that Grandpa left to go pick up his sister from work and never came home. While on his way to do just that, my Grandpa had something go wrong with his heart, it was right after the blizzard of 1996 and he crashed into a snow bank. 3 cars behind, a nurse was in the car, she and other good samaritans (sp?) pulled my Grandpa from the car and began CPR. An ambulance was called and through all this comotion, my Grandpa's wallet fell out of his pocket. Making him a "John Doe" until the finally identified him. Through all the help of strangers and doctors and nurses, it was too late for him. He was in a coma for 5 days and passed away in his sleep on Martin Luther King Jr.'s Day. I will never forget the message on the phone and throwing myself onto the couch in a river of tears. I often wonder if I could go back in time, if the 9 year old little Kelly could have saved her grandfather, only if I knew then what I know now could I have helped.

August 1996 I left the shelter of St. Anne's and was dropped into public school for the first time ever.

December 13, 1996 my Pop-Pop Heisey passed away. He was a smoker all his life and was stationed in Japan during WWII when America dropped the bomb. Needless to say he had lung cancer. He also had an ulcer in his stomach so large he practically didn't have one. My Pop had being telling us all that he had been going to his doctor's appointments but he hadn't. He knew the truth, he didn't want us to hurt. He always cared for us and defended us and loved us with his whole heart. For me as a kid, he was always so much fun. He played video games all night, ate ice cream for dessert and was quiet the jokester. I loved him very much. I'll never forget the last conversation I had with him on the phone. He was in the hospital and he was dying. He was coughing like crazy on the other end. He kept telling me how much he was looking forward to going to the beach with me that coming summer. He told me he loved me. He went to a doctor's appointment (this time my Nana took him) and he was admitted into the hospital. He knew he had cancer, but he didn't want to fight, he fought all his life. He served our country during 3 wars and helped raise all of us. We didn't want to see him suffer. He passed away on the Friday the 13th, two hours before my 5th grade chours concert. 2 weeks before Christmas.

I was a sad little girl that year, I lost two men I loved more than anything. It's amazing I love Christmas so much. The nine year old girl inside of me, cannot wait until the day I get to go to heaven and go running into the arms of my amazing and wonderful grandfathers. It will be the most amazing reunion.

Anyway, to the point of my story. Even though my grandfathers are gone, I feel as though our relationship is still as close today as it was 13 years ago. I believe that in moments when I need them most, my grandfathers are still here with me. They love me and they protect me. A few years ago I was in the basement, crying, upset and angry. I was yelling at God and yelling at them for leaving me. All of the sudden, out of no where the radio began to play "Phil Collins, You'll Be In My Heart". The first line of the song is "Come stop your crying, it will be alright, just take my hand, hold it tight, I will protect you from all around you, I will be here don't you cry."I sobbed , I knew in my heart that it was them giving me a message right to my heart. My favorite line is "When destiny calls you, you must be strong, I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on, they'll see in time, we'll show them together."

To this day, when I am upset, I still hear the song. On the radio or my mp3 player (on shuffle) while driving my the cemetary Grandpa's is buried in (I pass it everyday), in my head and my heart, all over the place. It's hard to explain, but I know it's them. They are with me always, just like the song says. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJh-oU0M9Y

Anywhere??

I know that recently my blog has somehow managed to worry a few people. But I'm still not back to being me just yet. I'm really sad. The shining light I have in the future is that Christmas is coming but then I think about how I'm going to pay for these Christmas gifts, and I think about the fact that I have to face my Pop-Pop and Grandpa's 13th and 14th year anniversary of their deaths right around Christmas.

I am too focused on the negative, which totally isn't me. I see me heading down a path to which I was once in therapy for. My blog is my outlet. My "secret" place.

The thought of going to work in the morning makes me sick to my stomach. My neck and shoulders and head kill me from the stress. I can literally feel my cross pushing down on me and I am struggling to carry it.

It's not just work, it's life and I can't seem to find a place that I feel truly fits me and a place where I belong.

I heard a song over the weekend. A song about home being "just south of the mason-dixon line", and that's true to me. Maybe it's high time I consider moving away from Lancaster.

I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry, I want to tear something to shreds. I want to pray, I want to heal. I want to belong.

I want my CCD class to listen to me. I want things to go my way for once. I want a job I love and a man to love. I think I want too much.

Can't break free

I'm in a funk and I can't break free. I'm home all alone again,bored, sad, no one to talk to, so I turn to my blog, that has maybe 4 readers. Here are my words. I feel so strange right now. I was in bed till 12:30 today and want to go back to bed. I want to go on a hike but the weather sucks. I feel crappy. I don't know how to break out of the way I feel. I'm not happy and I could really use some prayers sent my way right about now. I haven't felt like this is about 4 years. This weekend brought back a lot of repressed memories and I don't like it. I really shouldn't be alone right now, but I am. Everyone else is out tonight, for it is Halloween, frankly I hate halloween. It's a stupid day. Tomorrow I am throwing my class a All Saint's Day party, none of my presents came in the mail, I am unprepared now and I want to cry. I feel like curling up in a fetal position in my back yard, laying there, hoping for rain. My mood sucks. Maybe it's good I'm alone right now. I doubt I would answer anyone if they tried to call me anyway. I'm not in a party mood so I don't know how tomorrow will actually go. I don't even feel like putting on my Saint costume. I doubt anyone will be able to tell what Saint I am anyway. What's the point to any of this? Life pretty much just sucks right now. Things are going horribly wrong. I am praying that church will shine some light on me tomorrow. Church is great for my soul. I need to go on a retreat. I miss the retreats I attended in youth group. They helped keep me focused. I hope the yankees lose tonight. I pray for my future. I'm scared of what it holds. So many questions are unanswered. Things are difficult. I have no one to talk to but this blog. I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear. I feel like I'm bleeding but no one can tell. I feel like I'm drowning but no one notices.

When did I become invisible?

All Alone

Here I am, alone again on a Friday night. No plans, no nothing, living the life of a 40 year old spinster. I'm sad. My sister Jamie is away at school visiting her friends, Halloween party, she had invited me to go along, but then I wasn't allowed anymore. Nikki is at a concert with her friends. I got one text message today. From the Orioles. Telling me that one of my favorite players isn't on my team anymore. I feel like I have no friends. No one calls me, no one texts me. I only have people talk to me on facebook if I talk first. Weekend after weekend I still at home alone with no one to do anything with. I've never had trouble making friends but it appears I have problems keeping them. No one seems to care enough about me to even check in. I care so much about every person in my life. So much that it hurts, that people call me mom and that people always tell me I am soooooooooo nice. But I guess I'm too nice to invite out anywhere, to do anything. Maybe I'm depressing, boring or a prude. Whatever I am, I have feelings and I'm tried of being alone. I'm going to go curl up on the couch with my dog now because she seems to be the only one who actually wants me around. Thank God for my dog, I don't know what I'd do without her. At least with her, I have someone to talk to. Someone who loves me no matter how annoying I may be.

I just wish I had a place to fit in for once. Being alone sucks and I'm extremely lonely.

Doubt anyone will even care though, I don't think anyone pays attention to this shit blog anyway.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder, is all of this really worth it? Before I go on, let me tell you, I'm not talking about life in general, I'm not depressed or anything along those lines, I'M STRESSED beyond belief, to the point of almost tears today.

I find myself tonight sitting at the computer listening to endless Christmas music because it makes me truly happy. It reminds me of all the things I love, my Faith, my family, my friends, snow, that whole time of the year.

This past week was a high stress time all around me. I couldn't escape it, not at work, after work, I'd come home to endless problems. My sister was hurt, my cousins are sick with the swine flu, a friend of mine lost her father, many people I work with are sick, causing us to be EXTREMELY short staffed today, the doctors all ran behind, I became the "punching bag" for unhappy patients.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I work with wonderful people, I do truly enjoy my job most days, but this week was sooooooooooo hard.

I wish I had the power to fix everyone's problems. They fact that I can't makes me extremely sad. Then again, I'm glad I'm not the one in control because I don't want that job.

You know that saying, "When it rains, it pours", that's my week.

I can't wait for the day when the saying "Good things come to those who wait" comes true for me, I've been waiting a long time...

Can I scream yet? I need to get to the top of this mountain, so I can scream.

"The Good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb." ~Lonestar, Mountains.

Life Goals

When it comes to life, I have some pretty strange/interesting life goals in mind for me.

I'm sure all of us have created lists of achievements we would like to reach, mine of course includes things like marriage, children, a house, retirement, etc... but also has some different twists to it.

1. salsa dancing to "save the last dance" by Michael Buble with my husband on our wedding day.
2. Being Mrs. Claus in the MACY's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
3. swimming with the dolphins.
4. para sailing

5. Having the best "mom chocolate chip cookies" ever.

I seriously want to be known for my chocolate chip cookies, complete with a secret ingrediant my dear friend Katie gave to me. They are her recipe, but she made them the best and now I can too. I want the neighborhood children to think that my kid's mom makes the best cookies. Is that strange? That I want to be known for my cookies?

It's already started, my friends from darrenkamps, can't get enough of them, I suprised them with cookies Saturday night and they were sooooooo happy lol and my cousins absolutely love when I make them for our get togethers.

Want to try them too?? Well, I am planning on having a Christmas party for my friends, let me know if you are interested in attending. I LOVE baking and cooking for others, please tell me you will come!

**Side note, please say a prayer tonight for my cousin who has the swine flu and my sister who is fighting off an infection. It would mean A LOT to me.

Thanks!
God bless!

Jellyfish

I am a jellyfish, a spineless, no backbone jellyfish and to make this worse, I'm the clear kind with no ability to actually sting or cause pain. I just float around doing what ever I can, listening to people, waiting on people hand and foot and I'm walked all over because of it.





This is how I feel. I completely lack the ability to say "no" to anyone. I'm so content on making sure everyone else is happy that I forget what makes me happy. I wear myself thin on a regular basis to the point where I pass out in my bed of pure exhaustion.





I'm so worried about everyone else and making sure everyone is safe and happy and okay that I get exhausted. It goes from sun up till shut eye. It's an endless cycle I fear I will never be rid of.





Yesterday was my first day in like 10 weeks to sleep in. I literally slept in till 12:09 because I was that exhausted. When I woke up, I had cookies to bake, laundry to do, lesson plans to make and was constantly going till 1:00am, when I finally crashed a little too late and now am exhausted after CCD and church. How do I break this vicious cycle? I do I learn to say "no". I fear I never will.

I can't even control a classroom of 4th graders. I'm embrassed and wondering if I made a mistake. Am I making a difference? Are they learning? or do I suck as a teacher and need to find a new life goal? No idea, I'm sooooo tired.

Soooooooooooooo I guess I'll keep floating around in the ocean of life until a shark finally takes enough of me, that there is nothing left. I don't know what else to do. I'm a people pleaser and will be till the day I die.

New Theme Song

I have always loved Michael Buble, he has an amazing voice, so today when at work, I heard his amazing pipes across the t.v., my ears perked up a bit.



HE HAS A NEW ALBUM!!!! It's called Crazy Love and I need to buy it, I went to Target and they didn't have it! What really stinks is my dad took me, and he hates shopping so luckily he waited in the car, I bought a magazine instead to make the trip somewhat worth while and now am searching for other means of getting this album... It's a must have for the Kelly Collection. Anyway, on this album, he has the most amazing song that I must share! It is my new theme song for life and since many of us are on the same boat, I wanted to clue you all in.



Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA



This is a shout out to my future husband :-D



Haven't Met You Yet:

I'm Not Surprised

Not Everything Lasts

I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,

I Stop Keeping Track.



Talk Myself In

I Talk Myself Out

I Get All Worked Up

And Then I Let Myself Down.



I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It

I Came Up With A Million Excuses

I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out

You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out

And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get

I Just Haven't Met You Yet



Mmmmm ....



I Might Have To Wait

I'll Never Give Up

I Guess It's Half Timing

And The Other Half's Luck



Wherever You Are

Whenever It's Right

You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing

And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me

And Now I Can See Every Possibility



Mmmmm ......



And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out

And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out

And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get

I Just Haven't Met You Yet



They Say All's Fair And In Love And War

But I Won't Need To Fight

It We'll Get It Right

And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing

And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me A

nd Now I Can See Every Single Possibility



Mmmm .....



And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out

And I'll Work To Work It Out

Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Oh Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet



sooooo true... *sigh*

Words From Above

There have been many times in my life were I have truly felt as though one of my late grandparents has had a message for me. Once, in middle school when I was going through soooooo much and headed down a dangerous path, "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins came across the radio, instantly causing me to calm down, stop crying and I knew in my heart it was from my grandfathers. It's hard to explain, but at times, I know my grandparents attempt to help me through this life. Anyone else have these experiences?

Almost 4 years ago, I lost my Nana. I've written about her before, but I need to tell more. My Nana and I were close. She was a rock in my Catholic faith and taught me a lot about who I am. She was an amazingly strong woman and she was the kind of woman that just calling her up on the phone made you feel 3,000 times better. To this day I still wish I could pick up my phone and call her for help. She gave great advice.

She had heart problems all her life, in the end I went with her to most of her appointments, sat in the waiting room during all her procedures, rosary in hand. I held her hand and prayed the rosary with her on her death bed. She is the reason why "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts makes me cry my eyes out. I will never forget the last conversation we had and how we told each other how much we loved each other. I can still here the words echo through my mind.

I know she helped me yesterday. I've been going through a lot recently, especially dealing with being more depressed than usual. Maybe it's the change in weather, the lack of baseball, or who knows the real reason, many humans deal with this all the time. I'm not extremely depressed, just sadder than usual. Anyway, will sifting through old boxes yesterday, I can across my "First Communion Book" My second grade teacher put together for me. Carefully tucked inside was a laminated hand written letter to me from my Nana telling me all the reasons why she loved me and why I was so special to her and my late Pop-Pop. I was instantly brought to tears at the mere sight of this letter and upon reading it was assured that my Nana and Pop-Pop still love me and are still with me and always watching over me. I am never truly alone and will always be loved. I am greatful for this gift and these words from above, even if they were actually written 16 years ago. God works in mysterious ways. Thank-you Lord for the gift of my Nana and the wonderful 19 years we were allowed to spend together. She was truly a gift from you. Amen.

Why must I be the kind of person who gives and gives and does? I'm so tired. Sometimes I think life would just be so much easier if I could be a bitch. plan and simple.

I did it

I put my foot down and cancelled all of my online dating site subscriptions today. It's a decision I have been flip-flopping in my mind for quiet some time now. Dating is hard enough without being virtually dumped and to be honest, I don't know if I would ever go so far as to actually meet someone I met off line. I know people who have, heck that's how my best friend found her husband, but honestly, it's not my cup of tea.

I would much rather have that nice face to face relationship that's not over the world wide web. In a perfect world, he'd be my friend. It would be so much easier to find someone I already know. I'm not saying that I couldn't make friends online, I just feel in my heart that it is truly not the place I will find my husband. I honestly feel that God has another calling for me. I will find my future husband another way, the "old fashioned" way. Hopefully he'll even be from my small town of Lancaster, Pa. It would be sooooooo much easier.

Plus given my past relationship I'm truly not ready to open up and let down my walls for anyone now, especially not someone online. Some hurtful things were sad to me in my last relationship and I'm extremely afraid of it happening again. Afterwards I felt like crap and I'm no where near strong enough to be hurt like that again. My heart couldn't take it. It's much easier not to talk about the past and burrow in my little hole then tell anyone how I truly feel in the aftermath. I pray for a strong future husband because he will have some massive brick walls to knock over. But I look forward to the day he does and letting someone else know and that they will love me anyway. Love is a very nice thought. For now, I think I'll just go on loving God, my family, friends and baseball, I don't get hurt there.

I'm going to stay on Catholicmatch.com simply because it is a great network for young adult Catholics and I've made friends on it. I feel like this is the best choice for me and so I blogged lol.

In other news, this weekend was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally amazing, go to my facebook page to see all the pictures lol. It was a blast and a must needed trip, but now I am depressed. I don't know what to do with myself for the next 183 days... I think I'll make an Orioles scrapbook lol.

I don't know, it's difficult, truly it is. I love a baseball team and the end of season sucks case closed. I know few feel the same as me, but until I adjust to know watching a game every night at 7pm, I'll be sad. So if anyone wants to do something on a week night, or weekend or really any time, call or text me, PLEASE.

Baltimore Bound

Anyone who knows me, knows my favorite city. BALTIMORE! It doesn't take long for anyone who just met me to figure out I LOVE THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES, in fact numerous blogs on here are dedicated to my favorite team. It's a passion of mine, baseball is a sport that brought my family together, it started back in the day with my dad playing and my grandpa coaching and my pop-pop was invited to try out for the St. Louis Cardinals back in the day, but joined the army instead and became one of my heros ;-D Anyway, needless to say, baseball is in my blood, they even won on the day I was born, beat the Minnesota Twins 2-1, welcome to the world Kelly!

The Orioles are my team because that is how I was raised. In my house, you are taught that the Orioles are the best team in baseball (all though currently we are 3 worst) and anyone who supports the yankees is no friend of yours lol. I digress, obviously baseball is a big part of my life, has been since my 10th birthday when I got to go to Camden Yards for the first time, and had my name on the scoreboard, the Orioles then sent me a birthday package, which I still have. They won that day, beat the Red Sox and Roger Clemens was the losing pitcher (made my mom happy). Most importantly to me, I got to see Cal Ripken Jr. play and while it wouldn't be the only time I ever saw him play, it was magically. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that I lost both my grandfathers in this same year, maybe I was looking for a void and the Orioles slid right in and provided stability in a crazy world.

Not only did I lose my grandfathers, I loved to a new house and left my Catholic school to attend a public school where a girl spread a rumor that I had rabies. Everything in my life changed for me that year but not my Orioles, though we've lost since then lol.

I always tell people when they ask me why I'm still an Orioles fan, "when the day finally comes that the Orioles win the world series, it will mean that much more to us, because we loved them when the were horrible, we've cheered for them everyday, we've lost with them and we've supported them and when that day finally comes, they won't just be winning the world series for them, they will be winning it for all of us." and it's the truth.

So what should a die-hard Orioles fan like me do on the last weekend of baseball? Well, funny you should ask. My best friend and I decided that since we were so lucky to go to the first game of the Orioles season this year (for free don't ya know), why not go for the last? And also put a little icing on the top, go for the last two. And so we are, tomorrow we are leaving at 12:30, heading to Baltimore, watching the O's, tasting a little of the night life, heading to bed in our beautiful hotel that over looks the stadium and going to the game on Sunday.

Thus completing another goal on my list of things to do in my lifetime. If only that world series could come now! I have no control over that goal lol.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I know I will, and look for pictures and a blog to come most likely Monday, if not Sunday night lol. What can I say? I'm die-hard :-D

Drawing the Line

Where do we draw the line in society these days?

I am extremely distrubed due to a recent "twitter post" that was brought to my attention. A woman found it socially acceptable and moral to "tweet" that she was in a meeting and having a miscarriage and to top it off, she was HAPPY about it. I'm sure many of you have heard about it, but if you haven't here is her direct quote:

"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a f***-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is the kind of world we live in now that woman can "tweet" about not only currently having a miscarriage but also abortion? I was so upset about this, I cried, I for the life of me can not even begin to understand how someone can be happy about having a miscarriage, many woman in my family have had them, I am at risk to have them and I will tell you no one I know of was ever HAPPY about it! That is sick!

It's clear that people in our country really stretch our "freedom of speach" right. Whatever happened to some censorship? TO MORALS? It's disgusting.

Did you also know that last week the f word was used on SNL? I don't think it was intented to be, but it was. Has that word truly found a place in society where it is okay to say in an everyday sentence? Say that word to me or anyone who works in my office and it will get you kicked out faster than you'd believe.

Also, now people are investigating polls on facebook based off of our current president.

Where is the line drawn in the world today? What is now "socially acceptable"? I would hope that it wouldn't be the freedom to do all of the above.

All I have to say is, I am going to make 100% sure I take off for the March for Life in DC this year, it's going to mean a lot! Things are heading down hill and I am not going down without a fight! THIS IS SOMETHING I STRONGLY BELIEVE IN! Whose with me?? Let's all go stand together this January!

I'm sooooo angry!

Drowning

I feel like I am in a downward spiral, falling faster into a pool in which will lead to a watery death, reaching out for a hand to grab, I'm left struggling, praying to God for help. I feel as though I can't breath. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just need to get some things off my chest before my lungs fill with water.

I have been at my "new" job for a year now. I get paid a reasonable amount, but don't have a penny saved to my name. Not one cent in a year of hard labor. Something is not right with this picture. I have students loans out the you know, we are all there right now, medical bills to pay, gas, food, cell phone, it all adds up and it's all slowly killing me. I look to my left and right and find no way out, and it's not even like I am spending money on useless things. I hardly ever buy something for myself, I don't get to go shopping very often. The only things this summer I have bought for me, were tickets, to the Rascal Flatts concert and my Orioles games.

Maybe it was being too kind of a person that got me in this mess, I bought 4 baseball tickets earlier this year and lied to my friends about the price I paid because they are all in college and I wanted us to have good seats, maybe it was buying 6 hershey park tickets for my friends and letting them pay me back "whenever". Don't get me wrong, they paid me back, they are good friends, but I am so much into doing things for others to make them happy, that I end up being unhappy.

I have been blessed too, no doubt, that's why I don't have to pay for my hotel room this weekend, God in turned blessed me with amazing people, but it just seems that when ever I think I have my head above the water and can see the light toward good credit and no debt, something else hits me in the head, knocking me under and once again getting me stuck in a downward current.

Maybe I need a second job, I don't know. When I was praying to God about it eariler, I got really, really dizzy. I don't know what that means either, all I know is the only way I can make it out is to be 100% dependent on God. I need His help to free me of this whirlpool.

I've Come to Realize...

1. I've come to realize that my favorite drink is water, water is sooooooo good especially fresh from the fridge and sooooooo cold. Nothing is more refreshing.

2. I've come to realize that my job is a good job, pay is good, co-workers are great, bosses are good most days, but sometimes it can be extremely stressful and on those days I just need to remind myself why I'm doing it, I'm helping people. That's all that matters. Some days though... you all know what I mean, it's a job.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving I think about anything and everything and sing my heart out. I love singing in the car :-D

4. I've come to realize that I need something exciting in my life, things are becoming blah, I feel 40, I need something new and exciting.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost 3 of the 4 most amazing grandparents in the world and not a day goes by that I don't miss them. I can't wait till the day the 9 year old girl in me gets to have her great big grandpa bear hug again, I miss those hugs especially when I'm having a bad day.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when I get my hopes up and end up getting pretty crushed. It will prolly be the reason I end up alone, been crushed so many times I don't think I could go through it all again.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk well, I have yet to actually get 100% drunk so ask me again later.

8. I've come to realize that money is vital and student loans suck

9. I've come to realize that certain people I couldn't live with out, God truly blessed me with an amazing family and a strong support system of family and friends who love me know matter what.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be 100% emotional and sensitive and always addict to baseball lol

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s) are some of my best friends and can be counted on when we are in "fights" lol

12. I've come to realize that my mom is my rock, she is the most amazing woman I have ever met and I don't know where I would be without her. I hope I grow up to be a mom just like her.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is a wonderful thing, texting is awesome and always having my phone means that help is just a call away.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning it took a lot to get me out of bed, cloudy days are the best for sleeping and well, this morning it would have been nice to stay in bed...

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep I was talking to God and my grandparents

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about this weekend, Lampeter Fair, yard sale Saturday, dog sitting and CCD. so busy...

17. I've come to realize that my dad is an amazing man who would do anything for me, I love him very much

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook I love to read others statuses and hope someone wrote on my wall lol

19. I've come to realize that today was a good day and the start of 40 days for life campaign, do you have your bracelet?? Pray for Life! Pray to end abortion!!!

20. I've come to realize that tonight I need to go to bed and get some much needed sleep.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be Thursday and the Office is on, after work of course and the weekend is almost here and I have a lot of laundry to do :-P


22. I've come to realize that I really want to be the best daughter, sister, Catholic I can be and strive to be the best wife and mother in the future. I wouldn't ask for anything more. Also I LOVE to fill out surveys lol

Cleaning out the Clutter and Hidden Treasures

The past couple of weeks have been filled with cleaning the house top to bottom and trying to dig our way out of the mess that has taken over this house. It doesn't help that I am a pack rat and so completely into scrapbooking that in my opinion, everything must be kept because I want to scrapbook it and show it to my children, it's why last night I drove down the road to take pictures of the genorators heading to TMI so I can have proof that I saw the "500 ton monsters". So glad they are out of Lancaster. The picture really doesn't do it justice, you should have seen just how huge they really are!

Anyway, our garage is currently overflowing with trash bags, our living room is stacked almost ceiling high with boxes and for the first time in months you can see the floor in my bedroom. Which is good because messes drive my CRAZY and now I can repaint given that I raise enough money at the garage sale.

**First family picture**

As annoying and hard the work was, it had a hidden gleam and special tresures for we were able to unearth multiple childhood memories, toys, and especially pictures. Precious pictures of a life with my dear grandfathers and nana who I miss everyday. And pictures of me at six weeks old that I had never even seen lol.

Most importantly, my mom found a blue rosary which my Great-Great Aunt T had left me in her will, it was the rosary she prayed with daily and left to me. I had seen it only once before now, I was about six and my mom told me she would give it to me when I was older and could care for it. Finally it has been found along with her original note to me and I have had my heart set since I was six years old, that that rosary will be my something blue in my wedding and I will carry in my hand on my way down the aisle. It will be the way I remember lost family members on my wedding day and make sure that my Aunt T who passed away only months after I was born is also apart of the special day. My mom was very close to her and I am sure we would have been close. It's beautiful.

Today also marked my one year anniversary at ABW and now I have a 401k and feel old. I guess it's a good thing though since I'll be working for at least 41 more years... it's crazy though. Planning for my retirement before I even have a husband or kids makes me laugh.

That's really me lol 6 weeks old and already wearing a baseball hat! Gotta love it!

Oh, and I've had this blog for over a year now and only realized that there is an "add another photo" button lol what is my life? Gotta love it.

Oh boy...

I tend to pretend to be a person who appears to have things all together, inside not so much lol. I am starting to freak out a little bit about the fact that I will have a classroom of 4th graders starting this Sunday and every Sunday until May... I am so nervous about teaching them correctly and what the correct form is and I am ESPECIALLY nervous about the fact that I will be teaching the youth minister's daughter... *sigh* I lack confidence which is what I am told is the most unattractive thing in a person, but it's true. I know I'm going to be okay, things are going to work out but a little part of me is screaming inside lol. It's hard to explain. I had to blog about it in hopes I could sleep tonight, couldn't last night, well that along with other things, but yeah. I have a large amount of butterflies in my stomach, I feel like I'm heading into this blind. I keep trying to remember what my Aunt Bernice told me (my cousin Nate's grandmother)she got really excited for me and told me that it will be an "incredible Faith journey for me and the children". I just need to keep hearing her words over and over. Now I feel like this blog entry was useless. I think tomorrow night or Saturday night I'm going to go to Barnes and Nobles and really focus on planning a successful year in CCD. It's an important year, I have to teach the 10 Commandments. I'm excited, if not for these dare butterflies. But maybe butterflies are a good thing? I don't know. All I know is that I will be the most "scared" person at the 8:30 mass on Sunday, it's good to be scared, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and facing something new, doing what I wanted to do during this 23rd year of life. It's good, I'm growing. Here's hoping!

Labor Day

I'm a big fan of fall and family traditions. Today we all went to my Uncle Willie and Aunt Jess' house and had a picnic complete with Grandma's delicious scallopped potatoes (which she so lovingly sent extras home with me for lunch tomorrow :-D G-ma rocks!) my Aunt's delicious desserts and of course, it wouldn't be a family get together without a rousing game of wiffle ball :-D It's been a tradition in the family for prolly at least the past 20 years, most likely steming back into my dad's childhood. It's a lot more fun now that I am older and can follow the game, it's prolly something that aided in feeding my baseball obsession to this day. It was also a blast trying to teach my 3 year old cousin Clara the tricks to the sport. She loved hitting, hated fielding and didn't seem to have the patience to run the bases, she kept telling me that she was going to "sit on first till she has to run" lol. It was amazing, as were the efforts from my 50 year old father and 42 year old uncle as they attempted to play as the did as children.

The fall is so full of family traditions up to the Holidays, must be why I love fall and winter so much. September 12 is a birthday party for my cousin who will be 5, September 20 is the Wilson family reunion, I get to see Uncle Pete who looks so much like my late grandfather it makes me want to cry, along with all his siblings who I try to talk to since G-pa died when I was so young. September 23-25 is the Lampeter Faire where the family tries to go, get the best food, look at the things my grandma and cousins entered and how many ribbons the family as won, my G-pa use to love the faire. I love having so many family events coming up. I'm so lucky to have a large family that is so close. God has blessed me.

Sorry

I apologize for my emotional "public" break down last night. Guess that's what happens when you hold everything in for months at a time. I feel much better today. Going to enjoy today, my dad is currently smoking pork for 9 hours so we can have pork bbq and tonight my family is having a bon fire where I shall be burning pictures of Mark Teixeira, it's every Oriole fans dream. Hope you are all doing well and once again, sorry. Love you all!

I'm so emotional...

*warning* this blog entry will get very personal.

I am currently going through an emotional rollercoaster, most of which can be so graciously applied to a wonderful condition I have called PMDD. PMDD is Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and is a condition associated with severe emotional and physical problems that are linked closely to a certain female issue.

I did something I prolly shouldn't have today, I went a saw a "chick flick" with my sister and a friend. It was a good movie, we saw 500 Days of Summer, but once again at the end of the movie, I was left with the, were is my great love? and a huge empty pit in my heart and I HATE IT! It makes me want to take a long hike, stand on a cliff and SCREAM!(which would prolly be beneficial if not for the spiders along the hike) I'm so fraustrated with this all!

I feel like at 23 that I haven't lived and truthfully I haven't. Hell, I haven't even had my first kiss yet and feel like I have LOSER stamped across my forehead telling all men to clearly stay away from this one, she's a "good girl". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I just need to find a place where I can fit in. These weekends I find myself hanging out with my sister and her best friend from college who is a wonderful person and I love hanging out with both of them, but when they talk about college stories and college friends, I get bored and realize that I don't have people in my life that I can talk to like that. It breaks my heart. I love my best friend so much but I don't get to see her very often, she married a wonderful man and they live up around Harrisburg and I am so happy for her but when I get upset like this, I don't have anyone to call. I have a journal to write in and tonight I'm turning to this blog.

I'm a very lonely person. That's why I love dogs so much, they never leave me, I can tell them anything and they still love me, and it's prolly why I love the Orioles so much, every night for 162 nights they are there for me, they are stable and no matter how bad they do, or how mad I get at them, they come back the next day and do it all over again and at the end of the season, I know they always come back in April. They have never left me, like so many others have. I can count on them, which is something that has been hard for me to find, especially in guys.

I had a boyfriend a while back, we use to talk on the phone for 3 hours a night. He is a great guy and a good friend, he helped me through a lot, but when you know your not meant to be together, you break up. He found an amazing girl now and I'm so happy for him, he deserves it. I just want to know when I finally will. I have built a wall so high around my heart right now that I'm almost afraid no man will ever care enough to come in and knock it down. I fear that I will live my life alone and in Lancaster. Both my sisters have plans to move away, and when the day comes my parents go, sure, I'll still have my wonderful family around me, but at night, I'll be alone with my dog, a journal and a blog and that's not a life I want to live.

I want to live a good life, have wonderful stories to tell my kids, get my first kiss. Everytime I try to do something new and adventurous, something comes along and knocks me back. Back into the same "good girl" form every excepts of me, I feel like a robot walking a straight line and always taking orders or a puppet being passed around in a circle. The one who cooks and cleans and sews and bakes and takes care of everyone else but herself. Maybe it's the PMDD talking or maybe for once, I'm letting a little piece of my heart out. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there my dreams will all come true.

It's like that song "Somewhere Out There" from Fivel. I know he's out there somewhere, I just hope I find him in enough time. Or that I haven't already let him pass me by because I am truly so scared to let another man into my heart. It's been broken one too many times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRjb8sMjYu8

Someday...HA!

While at my "usual place" aka Barnes and Nobles, I was casually looking through thousands of book titles and trying to see what each book might be about with out actually reading the backs, silly I know, I know you can't judge a book by it's cover but it helps to feed my crazy imagination and also, sometimes, I feel that you can get a lot from a book's cover. Take this for example, I stumbled upon "The Reality of a Jane Austen Addict". I paused for a moment and thought, hum, that could really describe me and in a downward spiral and course of events (a night thinking and all day at working thinking), I stumbled once more on the subject I long to fill, that of my future husband. From Jane Austen to Disney, us woman have had it pounded in our brains that we must find the "one true love" or "our prince charming" and of course the song from Snow White "Someday My Prince Will Come", the vicious cycle just keeps going and going. ENOUGH already, I want to scream at the world. Why is it that we all think that we won't be complete until we find our husbands? or wifes for you guys? I am dying to get married as much as the next person, but why are we all in such a hurry to get there? We are listening to society and the media and stupid movies that have no bases on actual reality and we are swept away into fairy tale land and thus we end up alone. From the time we are 2 we get this image of a man in our minds that has to be perfect. A gentleman, a romantic, someone with class and grace, all of which are wonderful traits except when mixed with, a white horse, tons of money, a castle, crowned jewels and an ego big enough to wear them on there over grown heads. Sorry, egos are such a turn off for me... Maybe the problem with all of us is that we haven't found our husbands because we are focused too much on the Fairy Tale prince and not The Prince. I personally want my husband to be more like Christ than Prince Charming any day of the week.





My blog just took a whole new turn on me as I sit here writting. It matches nothing on my notebook paper and maybe that's because there was a point to all of this. My future husband needs to be more like Christ and less like Disney princes. Hum... I need to go think and pray on all of this.





Isn't it strange how things just hit you sometimes, your eyes pop open and you're like Ah Ha! Or so I hope.





Screw what society says, I'm going with what I say. Someday my prince will come and He'll be awesome.

PS. Rascal Flatts concert=MOST AMAZING CONCERT EVER!!!!!!!!

Random Ramblings

I couldn't stay away for a long time... I tried, but I think I'm back.

Do you all know what today is?? 4 months till Christmas! After tonight, I have 36 games left in the season of my 2009 Orioles baseball, which deeply saddens me, but Christmas is a glimmer of light into the future. Once Christmas season passes, it will almost be time for spring training and 2010 Orioles baseball! And 2010 will be our year! Can't wait.

You can tell who the most devoted fans are when you look at the Orioles fans, we have not won a world series in my lifetime, not since 1983 actually. :-( But you know, cheering them on all these years, will make it that much more satisfying when we do, I have never known my team to win so I don't know what life will be like when we finally do, I may go into a stay of shock, anyway, I could talk about baseball forever and 2 days...

I am very much looking forward to this weekend, it will be a blast, especially the RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT!!!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!! Plus a good ol' family reunion complete with G-ma's scalloped potatoes yumm... I can taste them already. My cousins and I fight over them to the point where she has to make 10 pounds of potatoes, my family is a riot lol.

I am so blessed by them all. I read on the internet today that a study is trying to prove that siblings have just as much of an effect on you as your parents, this I believe, but while I continued to read, it stated that siblings have the potential to lead you to mental illness. I am sorry, but it just struck me has humourous. Mental illness?? seriously?? Oh and not to mention, now they are also saying that there IS a reason for your appendix, guess I'm screwed lol, I have been missing mine since sophmore year and I have two sisters lol. I am glad I'm not one of those people who takes everything scientists say so literally. Where is the fun in that?

I have however been extremely tried recently, Sunday and Monday I was in bed at 8:30, am I 50 or what?? I am still sooooooooo exhausted sitting here, so I think I will go and finish watching my Orioles, then climb into bed to start Wednesday, or "hump" day, another day closer to Rascal Flatts!

Good night all, God bless!
Love you all! (especially those who actually read this, :-D you are wonderful)
Kelly

Thinking...

I'm going to be taking a little break from blogging for a little bit and focus more on actually journaling, going "old school". I have a lot to say and don't really want everyone reading it. I keep things bottled up inside until I burst and I'm getting close to that. So for now, I'll be keeping things private, plus I don't really think anyone reads this and I'm tired of having an online "pity party".

Nothing is going my way, I'm feeling more depressed everyday.

It's almost as if love has been dangled in front of my face 10 + times now and everytime I get close to letting a new guy in, he stops talking to me, as if God's like here you go, and then rips it away. I'm tired of being hurt, so for now, I'm going to go on a bit of a Spiritual journey and hopefully find my faith in love again.

My Libby

I feel like the worst dog owner in the whole world. My poor puppy caught Kennel Cough from the kennel she stayed at while we were on vacation. The family was up all last night with her helping to clean up everything she brought up and through her coughing. She seriously sounds like a human being coughing or like someone choking on a bone. It's horrible, she is so sleepy but can't rest.



I am mostly upset at the fact that the kennel was allowed to be open while they had this infection and we even had Libby vacainated. I got up early this morning and called the vet, thankfully they got us in and now she is on two different medications to help knock this out of her system. I feel so badly for my puppy. Not to mention, in about the course of a month (since her last check up at the vet) she broke one of her fangs to the point that her nerves are exposed. She will need surgery.



I love my dog very much and all this makes me sad. I just wish we would have taken her on vacation and not put her in a kennel. Mom and Dad say she will be going to the beach with us from now on :-D My dad feels so bad for my puppy, she's getting her own steak off the grill tonight.

Today

I actually sat at work today and wrote down all the things that I wanted to write about in my blog, it was a very bad day consisting of being screamed at by my boss and breaking my cell phone... I literally wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Not to mention my PMDD is acting up horribly so I am so much more emotional than normal. ah well. While at work one saying kept going through my mind "And this to shall pass" and it kept me going. Also my calendar said to me "He is closer than your breathing" and made me realize that while I am having this "bad" day God is there, He was in between my boss and me today, He was there when my phone broke and maybe it broke because God wanted me to not rely so heavily on text messaging and technology. It's irritating, but "This to shall pass".

I have always felt an extreme bond or closeness with the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Just looking at the image or the beautiful statue in my church calms my heart and brings me such peace. I have the above image hanging above my bed every night while I sleep. Today I begun a Novena to the Sacred Heart. Already I feel much better about the incidents of today and this time won't let it get to me, for "This to shall pass". *sigh of relief*

I am truly blessed and God is amazing.

Refreshed :-D...kind of...

What a blessing was my vacation. For once it actually seemed like a long, enjoyable week full of family. I have much stronger bonds with my cousins now and feel extremely greatful for the chance to get away with my family like that while we are all still here. My family is growing and it's so important to me to get these experiences out of life. The bonds we formed led me to fully believe that my cousins will always be there for me and I them. God blessed me with a truly amazing family.

Duck, NC was awesome, it was like stepping into a small town (a rich and expensive, but still small) all the neighbors were friendly, we could walk to all the stores and even the neighborhood ice cream man waved to us as a snapped his picture. It was picture perfect and the reason why I joyfully left my cell-phone behind in my room the entire time, I attempted to shut out the rest of the world and fully relax, although Adam brought his laptop and I couldn't help but peak on facebook every now and again and of course I had to watch at least an inning of my Orioles baseball every night. What's a girl to do?? Unfortunately we don't live in a world where you can completely cut yourself away from technology, I wish we could, but I degress.

I feel relaxed and refreshed and ready to go but the thought of returning to work still loams in the back of my mind... 7:45 tomorrow morning, I don't know if I'm ready or not, but will throw myself back into my job with a smile. I hate to see my work e-mail though *sigh* as is life, we can't always live in a fantasy world...

The only thing missing from my vacation was my dog. Otherwise I prolly could have stayed forever.

In reference to my previous post, I had thought that I had found an amazing Catholic guy on eharmony and we were talking an I thought things had gone well and now he stopped talking to me... I can't help but feel like I'm a character fresh from He's Just Not That Into You. Story of my life, no guy I'm ever interested in likes me back... oh well, Lord knows I've put my heart out there time and time again. Maybe I should just be a nun, can't get my heart broken that way.

Well I'm going to go watch the video I took of the waves crashing to the shore and pray for my future husband and God's right path for me.

Good night everyone, love you all!

Thoughts...

What are your thoughts on internet dating?? Pros, Cons, etc.

I need to know.

Thanks! :-D

Puppet on a String...

Or so this is how I feel... everyday constantly doing what everyone wants of me, listening and trying to make everyone else happy but myself. I'm tired. I have a knot in my neck and a headache too. I focus so much on making sure that everyone else is happy that I never take the time to do much for myself. I feel like a puppet who is passed from hand to hand and they make me dance, or fall or whatever may be amusing to them, they laugh and pass me along to the next person in line, almost like I'm a circus freak or something. Maybe I wouldn't go that far... but still.

Sitting at work today, I can't help but wonder if I actually did miss my true calling for a career. I love my job, the people I work with, the patients and all, but can I really see myself at that desk for the rest of my life? No. I really don't see much room for advancing and September 12 will be 1 year since I started. I see myself once again getting comfortable, like at Darrenkamps and not fully expanding my wings and soaring into the great unknown. It's strange. I know that if I am at that job forever, I would come home from work and complain to my husband.

I want one of those jobs that you wake up every morning ready for the day and excited. Is teaching that vocation for me? Who knows, I'm testing the waters though. I am teaching 4th grade CCD this year, I get to teach the 10 Commandments :-D very excited!! I have a lot to read and will be doing some research, because I am sure that many children will have questions. It's going to be exciting and once again I'm doing one of my goals for this 23rd year of my life, I'm doing something that scares me. Alone in a room full of 4th graders, I'm afraid of not teaching them properly. I have faith though that God will give me the answers I need.

Hershey Park yesterday was a blast. It was our 3rd annual trip and I can totally see my group of friends and I still doing this when we are 40. We really are big kids at heart. I love them all and miss hanging out with them on a regular basis... I guess that comes with getting older and having more responsiblities. I want to go back up again this summer though, we didn't get to do any of the water park, it was actually too cold, can you believe it?? Too cold on July 22?? Who knew??

Anyway, if anyone is interested in going up, let me know. I can get discounted tickets :-D

Has anyone ever noticed how music can have such healing powers?? When I get upset and stressed at work, I put my headphones on, put it on shuffle and search for the perfect song to help melt my stress away, today it was Josh Groban's "You Are Loved" *sigh* what a voice. I have quiet the mix of 70's, 80's, 90's music, country music, worship music, disney music and of course broadway. I never know what song will help, but the perfect one always seems to find me (I would hope with over 400 songs on my mp3, I'd at least find one perfect song lol). Anyway, I feel better now after all this, looking forward to the weekend. God is so good.

Love you all,

Kelly

I feel...

I feel as though I have nothing to blog about but something is tugging on me to post anyway... I have nine work days until I leave and I keep looking at the time and saying "this time in 2 weeks..." it's driving me crazy!

I also have many feelings making my heart race, but too much going through my head... I had a dream last night that I got shot in the back taking my dog to the vet and the doctor's wouldn't remove the bullet because they were afraid of rupturing a vital organ... I have strange dreams...

Anyone know how to shut off a mind that won't stop??

You know what else drive me crazy?? Bathing suit shopping. Seriously, the fact that you have to purchase the top seperate from the bottom is outrageous. And then when you think, oh, I'll show them, I'll purchase a one piece, it's as much as the two piece bathing suit put together. Not to mention the objective of attempting to find a modest bathing suit in an inmodest society, it's enough to drive a girl insane! I found the perfect bathing suit at Sears yesterday, perfect until I looked at the piece and it would have cost me $80.00 for it! I mean come on, I'm seriously considering just wearing old clothes into the ocean, cause after all, I'm going with family and my objective is to have fun and not actually pick up guys at the beach lol. You don't need a $80.00 bathing suit to boogey board with your 12 year old cousins afterall.

Our monthly breakfast yesterday was a lot of fun, my family is loud and draws attention no matter where we good but it's okay.

I have failed attempting to get everything I needed for the beach in advance, it looks like I have to do all my shopping the friday before we leave. grrr... oh well, it will all work out. The most imporant thing has already been purchased, SPF 50 sunscreen. I refuse to come back looking like a lobster my uncle would eat for dinner.

I'm so excited. I just hope it's all I think it will be.

The Orioles won today!!! 10-2 it was an awesome game. I'm thinking about going to a game September 1, the yankees are in town and I need to help paint the stadium Orange, it anyone would like to attend with me, let me know. It's a free tee shirt night too! Go Orioles! the season is more than half way over :-(

Update :-D

Lots has happened recently :-D it's all good. I have decided to teach 4th grade CCD this year, pending approval and all from my church :-D I'm really excited. I have always been drawn to teaching and have been telling my mother that since I was 3 I wanted to be a teacher... Should have went to school for it, but I was scared of the SAT's, seriously I was scared... ah well... If it goes successfully I might just end up going back to school. That also scares me, on many levels. I want to go to school to be a high school history or religion teacher. But here are my anxieties about it:

1. my age, I'm 23, by the time I would have graduated, I'll be 27. By 27 I'd like to be a wife and mother... not just graduating from school.

2. additional loans... student loans suck and I don't want to pay back more money.

but I do know that I need changes. And I promised myself that for my 23rd birthday I would start doing things that scare me. Which means I need to listen to my heart, follow my dreams and have no regrets. *sigh*

I am very excited about the thought of teaching CCD. On my way home from work the other day, I had my mp3 player in my right ear (my radio doesn't work, forgive me) and a song I had almost forgotten about came on (I have 430 songs on my mp3) it was a song that was given to me by the Diocese before venturing off to WYD and seeing JP2. John Paul II voice came through the ear piece telling me "Dear Young Friends, I pray that your faith in Christ will always be lively and strong this way you will always be ready to tell others the reason for your hope, you will be messengers, hope for the world." Do I have ever want to be hope for the world! Powerful message from a man that has such a close place in my heart.

My trip to World Youth Day in 2003, changed my life forever and made me who I am today. I still remember everything from that trip and strive to be the "Light of the World, Salt of the Earth". This is a small step in that direction. I'm so excited!

In other "news" I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter. I admit it, I am a HUGE fan, I've read all the books over and over and over again, I love the movies and I will sit there and tell you everything the movie left out. It's one of the many things I enjoy, some see it as a flaw, some agree with me, it's awesome and I love it. Can't help it. Anyway, the movie was good, the beginning was mixed up a little and things obviously were left out, like always, the book is much better. But if you've read the book, I suggest going and seeing it, my sister and I are going again this weekend, if anyone wants to come, let me know :-D

Tomorrow is Friday, Saturday is the Wilson Woman's Monthly Breakfast :-D I leave for the Beach is 2 weeks from Sunday. Life is good and God is amazing :-D

Reflecting

So the past couple of weeks have been a bit rough for me in on a bunch of different levels. I'm still not happy with the direction my life is going and I am praying to God daily about this. I have faith in Christ that everything will turn out alright and eventually I will be happy. I need to be more open to God's will and I need to try and control things less. I am sooo looking forward to Mass tomorrow and now I also get to go to Adoration for a hour. I haven't been in a long time and am looking forward to turning my phone off, shutting out the world and just spending one on one time with Christ.

At the mall on Friday I came across a ring that I had to buy at JC Penny's. It says "Everything is possible when you have faith." I am going to wear this on a daily basis to remind myself to stand strong in my faith and allow God to take control.

I do feel as though I am suffering though, in ways I can not fully describe or write about. It's difficult to fully express the way I feel especially because I know so many of my other family members and friends are going through the same things. While searching through my Bible tonight, I came across a passage that seemed to shed some light on all this for me:

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that is taking place among you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. but rejoice insofar as you are sharing Christ's sufferings, so that you may also be glad and shout for joy when his glory is revealed. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the spirit of glory, which is the Spirit of God, is resting on you. But let none of you suffer as a murdere, a thief, a criminal or even as a mischief maker. Yet if any of you suffers as a Christian, do not consider it a disgrace, but glorify God beacuse you bear this name. For the time has come for judgment to being with the household of God; if it begins with us, what will the end for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And "If it is hard for the righteou to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinners?" Therefore, let those suffering in accordance with God's will entrust themselves to a faithful Creator, while continuing to do good. 1 Peter 4 12:19

That's what I need to do, glorify God and suffer in accordance to God's will. I need to trust God because I know he only wants what's best for me. I need to fully entrust myself to God and STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING! especially my "love life" or lack there of, obviously it's not time for me to be with Prince Charming, I need to be patient and trust God's will for the day will come when I get to meet my prince and things will fall into place and it will be good because it will be what God brought together and not something I was "desperately searching for". I won't settle.

God is in control! I'm going to go listen to that song now before bed. I hope that someone else who reads this tonight also finds it helpful. So many of us are in similar boats, my wish is that my random thoughts can help others.

God bless! Love you all!

untitled

So I just found out that one of the only people I still talk to from high school and actually still like is getting deployed on his birthday :-( that makes me sad though I know he's okay about it and it's what he wants to do. Being raised in a military family, it always hits me hard when someone I know is going to war. My Pop-Pop (and one of my hero's) fought in World War II, and Korea and was still active during Vietnam, but luckily didn't have to go. He was a Staff Sargent and a paratrooper and he received multiple Purple Hearts. I remember his funeral, he had a full military funeral complete with Taps and a gun salute, to this day I can't hear the National Anthem or Taps without crying. My Uncle Jim was also in the army, I'm not sure what wars, but I do know that one night he was out to the bar with his buddy, forgot something inside and when he came back out, his friend was dead. My Uncle Tommy is still active in the military. My cousin Christopher lost his arm in Iraq. One of my church families son's is currently overseas. My Grandpa was in the Navy. A great uncle of mine served in World War I and actually died in his submarine off the coast of France. It's just sad to hear about more people you know going over there. I respect them and honor them for their job, I just wish our fellow Americans didn't have to be put in harms way.

Now I have myself all sad :-(

In other news, Harry Potter comes out on Wednesday, going to the midnight showing :-D And my beach vacation is just around the corner :-D I'll be in North Carolina from August 2-9 with my dad's entire family. 21 of us ages 74-2months in one house. It is sure to be a great adventure. I look forward to getting to spend that much time with my family. I love them all and even though we all live within a 2 mile radius of each other, our lives keep us soooo busy. It will be nice to spend a week together in the peace and serenity the beach provides. Given my uncle doesn't make us all mad first... I hope it all goes smoothly. My grandma, my last living grandparent's health is starting to really worry me. Her mind is slowly slipping and I'm going to be 100% honest. I'm acting selfish about it. I mean it's only right that I get to have at least 1 grandparent at my wedding right? I pray to God everyday that at least one of my grandparents can survive to see that happy day. It scares me to think that they are all almost gone.

I just keep upsetting myself about all this. One thing is for sure though, I'm going to cherish every moment of this vacation, it's the only one the Wilson family has every taken together, all of us, with the exception of my wonderful Grandpa.

I had a really rough time with the passing of my grandfathers, they were both in the same year, 1996, I was 10 and then my Nana passed in 2007, I won't be ready for this for another 15 years. Is that okay Lord?

It's all in God's hands anyway. I trust him, for a remember a quote Mother Theresa once said "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." and another famous quote "if God will bring you to it, God will bring you through it."

I'll make it, of this I am sure. I just need to right it all out sometimes...