*warning* this blog entry will get very personal.
I am currently going through an emotional rollercoaster, most of which can be so graciously applied to a wonderful condition I have called PMDD. PMDD is Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and is a condition associated with severe emotional and physical problems that are linked closely to a certain female issue.
I did something I prolly shouldn't have today, I went a saw a "chick flick" with my sister and a friend. It was a good movie, we saw 500 Days of Summer, but once again at the end of the movie, I was left with the, were is my great love? and a huge empty pit in my heart and I HATE IT! It makes me want to take a long hike, stand on a cliff and SCREAM!(which would prolly be beneficial if not for the spiders along the hike) I'm so fraustrated with this all!
I feel like at 23 that I haven't lived and truthfully I haven't. Hell, I haven't even had my first kiss yet and feel like I have LOSER stamped across my forehead telling all men to clearly stay away from this one, she's a "good girl". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I just need to find a place where I can fit in. These weekends I find myself hanging out with my sister and her best friend from college who is a wonderful person and I love hanging out with both of them, but when they talk about college stories and college friends, I get bored and realize that I don't have people in my life that I can talk to like that. It breaks my heart. I love my best friend so much but I don't get to see her very often, she married a wonderful man and they live up around Harrisburg and I am so happy for her but when I get upset like this, I don't have anyone to call. I have a journal to write in and tonight I'm turning to this blog.
I'm a very lonely person. That's why I love dogs so much, they never leave me, I can tell them anything and they still love me, and it's prolly why I love the Orioles so much, every night for 162 nights they are there for me, they are stable and no matter how bad they do, or how mad I get at them, they come back the next day and do it all over again and at the end of the season, I know they always come back in April. They have never left me, like so many others have. I can count on them, which is something that has been hard for me to find, especially in guys.
I had a boyfriend a while back, we use to talk on the phone for 3 hours a night. He is a great guy and a good friend, he helped me through a lot, but when you know your not meant to be together, you break up. He found an amazing girl now and I'm so happy for him, he deserves it. I just want to know when I finally will. I have built a wall so high around my heart right now that I'm almost afraid no man will ever care enough to come in and knock it down. I fear that I will live my life alone and in Lancaster. Both my sisters have plans to move away, and when the day comes my parents go, sure, I'll still have my wonderful family around me, but at night, I'll be alone with my dog, a journal and a blog and that's not a life I want to live.
I want to live a good life, have wonderful stories to tell my kids, get my first kiss. Everytime I try to do something new and adventurous, something comes along and knocks me back. Back into the same "good girl" form every excepts of me, I feel like a robot walking a straight line and always taking orders or a puppet being passed around in a circle. The one who cooks and cleans and sews and bakes and takes care of everyone else but herself. Maybe it's the PMDD talking or maybe for once, I'm letting a little piece of my heart out. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there my dreams will all come true.
It's like that song "Somewhere Out There" from Fivel. I know he's out there somewhere, I just hope I find him in enough time. Or that I haven't already let him pass me by because I am truly so scared to let another man into my heart. It's been broken one too many times.
2 comments:
I was barely awake and my computer screen is fuzzy before it warms up and I was sort of just scanning through the blog when I thought I read "That's why I love drugs so much..." But after I squinted my eyes, I realized it was dogs that you love.
I tend not to believe you can pass your mate by...I know other girls who think like this. Maybe only I think this way because I've only ever had one girlfriend, and not many girls have passed by haha.
I think its harder for young people these days for four reasons:
1. Our culture is MASSIVELY over-sexed and filled with lies about relationships that as Christians, we know are lies, but have still somehow seeped into our hearts and made us so FOCUSED on finding that "match made in heaven." Or whatever.
2. We settle down and commit so much LATER now. It used to be you lived in a small town, learned a skilled trade from your dad, and tried to marry someone who was at the very least only your second cousin. And you did it all at 18 at the latest.
2. This last one is related to the previous: human beings reach sexual maturity as early as 13. So for all this time, our bodies have been ready for making babies, and have made this fact very, very, VERY clear to us. And while of course, we desire ALL of what marriage has to offer, in all its splendor as God intended it, the fact remains that SEX is a big part of marriage and as Christians, we know the only legitimate outlet for this is in marriage. Hence the pressure.
4. It is unfortunate, but I honestly believe that though our age of sexual maturity remains the same (if its not becoming EARLIER), our EMOTIONAL maturity is actually occuring later because of this lousy world we live in. I think that perhaps an 18 year old man, in love, in the year 1935, might have been much more ready for the realities of married life than today's 18 year old boy. I speak from personal experience on this one. At 18 I was still just a child.
All of this comes from my perspective as a male. There are differences of course for women, but I think these four things hold true for both sexes.
Of course, knowing all this is nice, and helps give some perspective, but it doesn't make it much easier does it...
Waiting still hurts. Strive to trust in God's goodness and let that fuel your love for him. As you grow more in Him you'll be able to better give yourself to your future help-mate. And the feast will be all the sweeter for the fast. I say this as one who is in the midst of the battle.
Hang in there, Kelly.
Hang in there, Shawn.
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