Anywhere??

I know that recently my blog has somehow managed to worry a few people. But I'm still not back to being me just yet. I'm really sad. The shining light I have in the future is that Christmas is coming but then I think about how I'm going to pay for these Christmas gifts, and I think about the fact that I have to face my Pop-Pop and Grandpa's 13th and 14th year anniversary of their deaths right around Christmas.

I am too focused on the negative, which totally isn't me. I see me heading down a path to which I was once in therapy for. My blog is my outlet. My "secret" place.

The thought of going to work in the morning makes me sick to my stomach. My neck and shoulders and head kill me from the stress. I can literally feel my cross pushing down on me and I am struggling to carry it.

It's not just work, it's life and I can't seem to find a place that I feel truly fits me and a place where I belong.

I heard a song over the weekend. A song about home being "just south of the mason-dixon line", and that's true to me. Maybe it's high time I consider moving away from Lancaster.

I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry, I want to tear something to shreds. I want to pray, I want to heal. I want to belong.

I want my CCD class to listen to me. I want things to go my way for once. I want a job I love and a man to love. I think I want too much.