Can't break free

I'm in a funk and I can't break free. I'm home all alone again,bored, sad, no one to talk to, so I turn to my blog, that has maybe 4 readers. Here are my words. I feel so strange right now. I was in bed till 12:30 today and want to go back to bed. I want to go on a hike but the weather sucks. I feel crappy. I don't know how to break out of the way I feel. I'm not happy and I could really use some prayers sent my way right about now. I haven't felt like this is about 4 years. This weekend brought back a lot of repressed memories and I don't like it. I really shouldn't be alone right now, but I am. Everyone else is out tonight, for it is Halloween, frankly I hate halloween. It's a stupid day. Tomorrow I am throwing my class a All Saint's Day party, none of my presents came in the mail, I am unprepared now and I want to cry. I feel like curling up in a fetal position in my back yard, laying there, hoping for rain. My mood sucks. Maybe it's good I'm alone right now. I doubt I would answer anyone if they tried to call me anyway. I'm not in a party mood so I don't know how tomorrow will actually go. I don't even feel like putting on my Saint costume. I doubt anyone will be able to tell what Saint I am anyway. What's the point to any of this? Life pretty much just sucks right now. Things are going horribly wrong. I am praying that church will shine some light on me tomorrow. Church is great for my soul. I need to go on a retreat. I miss the retreats I attended in youth group. They helped keep me focused. I hope the yankees lose tonight. I pray for my future. I'm scared of what it holds. So many questions are unanswered. Things are difficult. I have no one to talk to but this blog. I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear. I feel like I'm bleeding but no one can tell. I feel like I'm drowning but no one notices.

When did I become invisible?

All Alone

Here I am, alone again on a Friday night. No plans, no nothing, living the life of a 40 year old spinster. I'm sad. My sister Jamie is away at school visiting her friends, Halloween party, she had invited me to go along, but then I wasn't allowed anymore. Nikki is at a concert with her friends. I got one text message today. From the Orioles. Telling me that one of my favorite players isn't on my team anymore. I feel like I have no friends. No one calls me, no one texts me. I only have people talk to me on facebook if I talk first. Weekend after weekend I still at home alone with no one to do anything with. I've never had trouble making friends but it appears I have problems keeping them. No one seems to care enough about me to even check in. I care so much about every person in my life. So much that it hurts, that people call me mom and that people always tell me I am soooooooooo nice. But I guess I'm too nice to invite out anywhere, to do anything. Maybe I'm depressing, boring or a prude. Whatever I am, I have feelings and I'm tried of being alone. I'm going to go curl up on the couch with my dog now because she seems to be the only one who actually wants me around. Thank God for my dog, I don't know what I'd do without her. At least with her, I have someone to talk to. Someone who loves me no matter how annoying I may be.

I just wish I had a place to fit in for once. Being alone sucks and I'm extremely lonely.

Doubt anyone will even care though, I don't think anyone pays attention to this shit blog anyway.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder, is all of this really worth it? Before I go on, let me tell you, I'm not talking about life in general, I'm not depressed or anything along those lines, I'M STRESSED beyond belief, to the point of almost tears today.

I find myself tonight sitting at the computer listening to endless Christmas music because it makes me truly happy. It reminds me of all the things I love, my Faith, my family, my friends, snow, that whole time of the year.

This past week was a high stress time all around me. I couldn't escape it, not at work, after work, I'd come home to endless problems. My sister was hurt, my cousins are sick with the swine flu, a friend of mine lost her father, many people I work with are sick, causing us to be EXTREMELY short staffed today, the doctors all ran behind, I became the "punching bag" for unhappy patients.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I work with wonderful people, I do truly enjoy my job most days, but this week was sooooooooooo hard.

I wish I had the power to fix everyone's problems. They fact that I can't makes me extremely sad. Then again, I'm glad I'm not the one in control because I don't want that job.

You know that saying, "When it rains, it pours", that's my week.

I can't wait for the day when the saying "Good things come to those who wait" comes true for me, I've been waiting a long time...

Can I scream yet? I need to get to the top of this mountain, so I can scream.

"The Good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb." ~Lonestar, Mountains.

Life Goals

When it comes to life, I have some pretty strange/interesting life goals in mind for me.

I'm sure all of us have created lists of achievements we would like to reach, mine of course includes things like marriage, children, a house, retirement, etc... but also has some different twists to it.

1. salsa dancing to "save the last dance" by Michael Buble with my husband on our wedding day.
2. Being Mrs. Claus in the MACY's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
3. swimming with the dolphins.
4. para sailing

5. Having the best "mom chocolate chip cookies" ever.

I seriously want to be known for my chocolate chip cookies, complete with a secret ingrediant my dear friend Katie gave to me. They are her recipe, but she made them the best and now I can too. I want the neighborhood children to think that my kid's mom makes the best cookies. Is that strange? That I want to be known for my cookies?

It's already started, my friends from darrenkamps, can't get enough of them, I suprised them with cookies Saturday night and they were sooooooo happy lol and my cousins absolutely love when I make them for our get togethers.

Want to try them too?? Well, I am planning on having a Christmas party for my friends, let me know if you are interested in attending. I LOVE baking and cooking for others, please tell me you will come!

**Side note, please say a prayer tonight for my cousin who has the swine flu and my sister who is fighting off an infection. It would mean A LOT to me.

Thanks!
God bless!

Jellyfish

I am a jellyfish, a spineless, no backbone jellyfish and to make this worse, I'm the clear kind with no ability to actually sting or cause pain. I just float around doing what ever I can, listening to people, waiting on people hand and foot and I'm walked all over because of it.





This is how I feel. I completely lack the ability to say "no" to anyone. I'm so content on making sure everyone else is happy that I forget what makes me happy. I wear myself thin on a regular basis to the point where I pass out in my bed of pure exhaustion.





I'm so worried about everyone else and making sure everyone is safe and happy and okay that I get exhausted. It goes from sun up till shut eye. It's an endless cycle I fear I will never be rid of.





Yesterday was my first day in like 10 weeks to sleep in. I literally slept in till 12:09 because I was that exhausted. When I woke up, I had cookies to bake, laundry to do, lesson plans to make and was constantly going till 1:00am, when I finally crashed a little too late and now am exhausted after CCD and church. How do I break this vicious cycle? I do I learn to say "no". I fear I never will.

I can't even control a classroom of 4th graders. I'm embrassed and wondering if I made a mistake. Am I making a difference? Are they learning? or do I suck as a teacher and need to find a new life goal? No idea, I'm sooooo tired.

Soooooooooooooo I guess I'll keep floating around in the ocean of life until a shark finally takes enough of me, that there is nothing left. I don't know what else to do. I'm a people pleaser and will be till the day I die.

New Theme Song

I have always loved Michael Buble, he has an amazing voice, so today when at work, I heard his amazing pipes across the t.v., my ears perked up a bit.



HE HAS A NEW ALBUM!!!! It's called Crazy Love and I need to buy it, I went to Target and they didn't have it! What really stinks is my dad took me, and he hates shopping so luckily he waited in the car, I bought a magazine instead to make the trip somewhat worth while and now am searching for other means of getting this album... It's a must have for the Kelly Collection. Anyway, on this album, he has the most amazing song that I must share! It is my new theme song for life and since many of us are on the same boat, I wanted to clue you all in.



Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA



This is a shout out to my future husband :-D



Haven't Met You Yet:

I'm Not Surprised

Not Everything Lasts

I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,

I Stop Keeping Track.



Talk Myself In

I Talk Myself Out

I Get All Worked Up

And Then I Let Myself Down.



I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It

I Came Up With A Million Excuses

I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out

You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out

And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get

I Just Haven't Met You Yet



Mmmmm ....



I Might Have To Wait

I'll Never Give Up

I Guess It's Half Timing

And The Other Half's Luck



Wherever You Are

Whenever It's Right

You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing

And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me

And Now I Can See Every Possibility



Mmmmm ......



And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out

And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out

And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get

I Just Haven't Met You Yet



They Say All's Fair And In Love And War

But I Won't Need To Fight

It We'll Get It Right

And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing

And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me A

nd Now I Can See Every Single Possibility



Mmmm .....



And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out

And I'll Work To Work It Out

Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Oh Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet



sooooo true... *sigh*

Words From Above

There have been many times in my life were I have truly felt as though one of my late grandparents has had a message for me. Once, in middle school when I was going through soooooo much and headed down a dangerous path, "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins came across the radio, instantly causing me to calm down, stop crying and I knew in my heart it was from my grandfathers. It's hard to explain, but at times, I know my grandparents attempt to help me through this life. Anyone else have these experiences?

Almost 4 years ago, I lost my Nana. I've written about her before, but I need to tell more. My Nana and I were close. She was a rock in my Catholic faith and taught me a lot about who I am. She was an amazingly strong woman and she was the kind of woman that just calling her up on the phone made you feel 3,000 times better. To this day I still wish I could pick up my phone and call her for help. She gave great advice.

She had heart problems all her life, in the end I went with her to most of her appointments, sat in the waiting room during all her procedures, rosary in hand. I held her hand and prayed the rosary with her on her death bed. She is the reason why "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts makes me cry my eyes out. I will never forget the last conversation we had and how we told each other how much we loved each other. I can still here the words echo through my mind.

I know she helped me yesterday. I've been going through a lot recently, especially dealing with being more depressed than usual. Maybe it's the change in weather, the lack of baseball, or who knows the real reason, many humans deal with this all the time. I'm not extremely depressed, just sadder than usual. Anyway, will sifting through old boxes yesterday, I can across my "First Communion Book" My second grade teacher put together for me. Carefully tucked inside was a laminated hand written letter to me from my Nana telling me all the reasons why she loved me and why I was so special to her and my late Pop-Pop. I was instantly brought to tears at the mere sight of this letter and upon reading it was assured that my Nana and Pop-Pop still love me and are still with me and always watching over me. I am never truly alone and will always be loved. I am greatful for this gift and these words from above, even if they were actually written 16 years ago. God works in mysterious ways. Thank-you Lord for the gift of my Nana and the wonderful 19 years we were allowed to spend together. She was truly a gift from you. Amen.

Why must I be the kind of person who gives and gives and does? I'm so tired. Sometimes I think life would just be so much easier if I could be a bitch. plan and simple.

I did it

I put my foot down and cancelled all of my online dating site subscriptions today. It's a decision I have been flip-flopping in my mind for quiet some time now. Dating is hard enough without being virtually dumped and to be honest, I don't know if I would ever go so far as to actually meet someone I met off line. I know people who have, heck that's how my best friend found her husband, but honestly, it's not my cup of tea.

I would much rather have that nice face to face relationship that's not over the world wide web. In a perfect world, he'd be my friend. It would be so much easier to find someone I already know. I'm not saying that I couldn't make friends online, I just feel in my heart that it is truly not the place I will find my husband. I honestly feel that God has another calling for me. I will find my future husband another way, the "old fashioned" way. Hopefully he'll even be from my small town of Lancaster, Pa. It would be sooooooo much easier.

Plus given my past relationship I'm truly not ready to open up and let down my walls for anyone now, especially not someone online. Some hurtful things were sad to me in my last relationship and I'm extremely afraid of it happening again. Afterwards I felt like crap and I'm no where near strong enough to be hurt like that again. My heart couldn't take it. It's much easier not to talk about the past and burrow in my little hole then tell anyone how I truly feel in the aftermath. I pray for a strong future husband because he will have some massive brick walls to knock over. But I look forward to the day he does and letting someone else know and that they will love me anyway. Love is a very nice thought. For now, I think I'll just go on loving God, my family, friends and baseball, I don't get hurt there.

I'm going to stay on Catholicmatch.com simply because it is a great network for young adult Catholics and I've made friends on it. I feel like this is the best choice for me and so I blogged lol.

In other news, this weekend was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally amazing, go to my facebook page to see all the pictures lol. It was a blast and a must needed trip, but now I am depressed. I don't know what to do with myself for the next 183 days... I think I'll make an Orioles scrapbook lol.

I don't know, it's difficult, truly it is. I love a baseball team and the end of season sucks case closed. I know few feel the same as me, but until I adjust to know watching a game every night at 7pm, I'll be sad. So if anyone wants to do something on a week night, or weekend or really any time, call or text me, PLEASE.

Baltimore Bound

Anyone who knows me, knows my favorite city. BALTIMORE! It doesn't take long for anyone who just met me to figure out I LOVE THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES, in fact numerous blogs on here are dedicated to my favorite team. It's a passion of mine, baseball is a sport that brought my family together, it started back in the day with my dad playing and my grandpa coaching and my pop-pop was invited to try out for the St. Louis Cardinals back in the day, but joined the army instead and became one of my heros ;-D Anyway, needless to say, baseball is in my blood, they even won on the day I was born, beat the Minnesota Twins 2-1, welcome to the world Kelly!

The Orioles are my team because that is how I was raised. In my house, you are taught that the Orioles are the best team in baseball (all though currently we are 3 worst) and anyone who supports the yankees is no friend of yours lol. I digress, obviously baseball is a big part of my life, has been since my 10th birthday when I got to go to Camden Yards for the first time, and had my name on the scoreboard, the Orioles then sent me a birthday package, which I still have. They won that day, beat the Red Sox and Roger Clemens was the losing pitcher (made my mom happy). Most importantly to me, I got to see Cal Ripken Jr. play and while it wouldn't be the only time I ever saw him play, it was magically. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that I lost both my grandfathers in this same year, maybe I was looking for a void and the Orioles slid right in and provided stability in a crazy world.

Not only did I lose my grandfathers, I loved to a new house and left my Catholic school to attend a public school where a girl spread a rumor that I had rabies. Everything in my life changed for me that year but not my Orioles, though we've lost since then lol.

I always tell people when they ask me why I'm still an Orioles fan, "when the day finally comes that the Orioles win the world series, it will mean that much more to us, because we loved them when the were horrible, we've cheered for them everyday, we've lost with them and we've supported them and when that day finally comes, they won't just be winning the world series for them, they will be winning it for all of us." and it's the truth.

So what should a die-hard Orioles fan like me do on the last weekend of baseball? Well, funny you should ask. My best friend and I decided that since we were so lucky to go to the first game of the Orioles season this year (for free don't ya know), why not go for the last? And also put a little icing on the top, go for the last two. And so we are, tomorrow we are leaving at 12:30, heading to Baltimore, watching the O's, tasting a little of the night life, heading to bed in our beautiful hotel that over looks the stadium and going to the game on Sunday.

Thus completing another goal on my list of things to do in my lifetime. If only that world series could come now! I have no control over that goal lol.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I know I will, and look for pictures and a blog to come most likely Monday, if not Sunday night lol. What can I say? I'm die-hard :-D

Drawing the Line

Where do we draw the line in society these days?

I am extremely distrubed due to a recent "twitter post" that was brought to my attention. A woman found it socially acceptable and moral to "tweet" that she was in a meeting and having a miscarriage and to top it off, she was HAPPY about it. I'm sure many of you have heard about it, but if you haven't here is her direct quote:

"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a f***-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is the kind of world we live in now that woman can "tweet" about not only currently having a miscarriage but also abortion? I was so upset about this, I cried, I for the life of me can not even begin to understand how someone can be happy about having a miscarriage, many woman in my family have had them, I am at risk to have them and I will tell you no one I know of was ever HAPPY about it! That is sick!

It's clear that people in our country really stretch our "freedom of speach" right. Whatever happened to some censorship? TO MORALS? It's disgusting.

Did you also know that last week the f word was used on SNL? I don't think it was intented to be, but it was. Has that word truly found a place in society where it is okay to say in an everyday sentence? Say that word to me or anyone who works in my office and it will get you kicked out faster than you'd believe.

Also, now people are investigating polls on facebook based off of our current president.

Where is the line drawn in the world today? What is now "socially acceptable"? I would hope that it wouldn't be the freedom to do all of the above.

All I have to say is, I am going to make 100% sure I take off for the March for Life in DC this year, it's going to mean a lot! Things are heading down hill and I am not going down without a fight! THIS IS SOMETHING I STRONGLY BELIEVE IN! Whose with me?? Let's all go stand together this January!

I'm sooooo angry!