Drowning

I feel like I am in a downward spiral, falling faster into a pool in which will lead to a watery death, reaching out for a hand to grab, I'm left struggling, praying to God for help. I feel as though I can't breath. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just need to get some things off my chest before my lungs fill with water.

I have been at my "new" job for a year now. I get paid a reasonable amount, but don't have a penny saved to my name. Not one cent in a year of hard labor. Something is not right with this picture. I have students loans out the you know, we are all there right now, medical bills to pay, gas, food, cell phone, it all adds up and it's all slowly killing me. I look to my left and right and find no way out, and it's not even like I am spending money on useless things. I hardly ever buy something for myself, I don't get to go shopping very often. The only things this summer I have bought for me, were tickets, to the Rascal Flatts concert and my Orioles games.

Maybe it was being too kind of a person that got me in this mess, I bought 4 baseball tickets earlier this year and lied to my friends about the price I paid because they are all in college and I wanted us to have good seats, maybe it was buying 6 hershey park tickets for my friends and letting them pay me back "whenever". Don't get me wrong, they paid me back, they are good friends, but I am so much into doing things for others to make them happy, that I end up being unhappy.

I have been blessed too, no doubt, that's why I don't have to pay for my hotel room this weekend, God in turned blessed me with amazing people, but it just seems that when ever I think I have my head above the water and can see the light toward good credit and no debt, something else hits me in the head, knocking me under and once again getting me stuck in a downward current.

Maybe I need a second job, I don't know. When I was praying to God about it eariler, I got really, really dizzy. I don't know what that means either, all I know is the only way I can make it out is to be 100% dependent on God. I need His help to free me of this whirlpool.

I've Come to Realize...

1. I've come to realize that my favorite drink is water, water is sooooooo good especially fresh from the fridge and sooooooo cold. Nothing is more refreshing.

2. I've come to realize that my job is a good job, pay is good, co-workers are great, bosses are good most days, but sometimes it can be extremely stressful and on those days I just need to remind myself why I'm doing it, I'm helping people. That's all that matters. Some days though... you all know what I mean, it's a job.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving I think about anything and everything and sing my heart out. I love singing in the car :-D

4. I've come to realize that I need something exciting in my life, things are becoming blah, I feel 40, I need something new and exciting.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost 3 of the 4 most amazing grandparents in the world and not a day goes by that I don't miss them. I can't wait till the day the 9 year old girl in me gets to have her great big grandpa bear hug again, I miss those hugs especially when I'm having a bad day.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when I get my hopes up and end up getting pretty crushed. It will prolly be the reason I end up alone, been crushed so many times I don't think I could go through it all again.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk well, I have yet to actually get 100% drunk so ask me again later.

8. I've come to realize that money is vital and student loans suck

9. I've come to realize that certain people I couldn't live with out, God truly blessed me with an amazing family and a strong support system of family and friends who love me know matter what.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be 100% emotional and sensitive and always addict to baseball lol

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s) are some of my best friends and can be counted on when we are in "fights" lol

12. I've come to realize that my mom is my rock, she is the most amazing woman I have ever met and I don't know where I would be without her. I hope I grow up to be a mom just like her.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is a wonderful thing, texting is awesome and always having my phone means that help is just a call away.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning it took a lot to get me out of bed, cloudy days are the best for sleeping and well, this morning it would have been nice to stay in bed...

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep I was talking to God and my grandparents

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about this weekend, Lampeter Fair, yard sale Saturday, dog sitting and CCD. so busy...

17. I've come to realize that my dad is an amazing man who would do anything for me, I love him very much

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook I love to read others statuses and hope someone wrote on my wall lol

19. I've come to realize that today was a good day and the start of 40 days for life campaign, do you have your bracelet?? Pray for Life! Pray to end abortion!!!

20. I've come to realize that tonight I need to go to bed and get some much needed sleep.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be Thursday and the Office is on, after work of course and the weekend is almost here and I have a lot of laundry to do :-P


22. I've come to realize that I really want to be the best daughter, sister, Catholic I can be and strive to be the best wife and mother in the future. I wouldn't ask for anything more. Also I LOVE to fill out surveys lol

Cleaning out the Clutter and Hidden Treasures

The past couple of weeks have been filled with cleaning the house top to bottom and trying to dig our way out of the mess that has taken over this house. It doesn't help that I am a pack rat and so completely into scrapbooking that in my opinion, everything must be kept because I want to scrapbook it and show it to my children, it's why last night I drove down the road to take pictures of the genorators heading to TMI so I can have proof that I saw the "500 ton monsters". So glad they are out of Lancaster. The picture really doesn't do it justice, you should have seen just how huge they really are!

Anyway, our garage is currently overflowing with trash bags, our living room is stacked almost ceiling high with boxes and for the first time in months you can see the floor in my bedroom. Which is good because messes drive my CRAZY and now I can repaint given that I raise enough money at the garage sale.

**First family picture**

As annoying and hard the work was, it had a hidden gleam and special tresures for we were able to unearth multiple childhood memories, toys, and especially pictures. Precious pictures of a life with my dear grandfathers and nana who I miss everyday. And pictures of me at six weeks old that I had never even seen lol.

Most importantly, my mom found a blue rosary which my Great-Great Aunt T had left me in her will, it was the rosary she prayed with daily and left to me. I had seen it only once before now, I was about six and my mom told me she would give it to me when I was older and could care for it. Finally it has been found along with her original note to me and I have had my heart set since I was six years old, that that rosary will be my something blue in my wedding and I will carry in my hand on my way down the aisle. It will be the way I remember lost family members on my wedding day and make sure that my Aunt T who passed away only months after I was born is also apart of the special day. My mom was very close to her and I am sure we would have been close. It's beautiful.

Today also marked my one year anniversary at ABW and now I have a 401k and feel old. I guess it's a good thing though since I'll be working for at least 41 more years... it's crazy though. Planning for my retirement before I even have a husband or kids makes me laugh.

That's really me lol 6 weeks old and already wearing a baseball hat! Gotta love it!

Oh, and I've had this blog for over a year now and only realized that there is an "add another photo" button lol what is my life? Gotta love it.

Oh boy...

I tend to pretend to be a person who appears to have things all together, inside not so much lol. I am starting to freak out a little bit about the fact that I will have a classroom of 4th graders starting this Sunday and every Sunday until May... I am so nervous about teaching them correctly and what the correct form is and I am ESPECIALLY nervous about the fact that I will be teaching the youth minister's daughter... *sigh* I lack confidence which is what I am told is the most unattractive thing in a person, but it's true. I know I'm going to be okay, things are going to work out but a little part of me is screaming inside lol. It's hard to explain. I had to blog about it in hopes I could sleep tonight, couldn't last night, well that along with other things, but yeah. I have a large amount of butterflies in my stomach, I feel like I'm heading into this blind. I keep trying to remember what my Aunt Bernice told me (my cousin Nate's grandmother)she got really excited for me and told me that it will be an "incredible Faith journey for me and the children". I just need to keep hearing her words over and over. Now I feel like this blog entry was useless. I think tomorrow night or Saturday night I'm going to go to Barnes and Nobles and really focus on planning a successful year in CCD. It's an important year, I have to teach the 10 Commandments. I'm excited, if not for these dare butterflies. But maybe butterflies are a good thing? I don't know. All I know is that I will be the most "scared" person at the 8:30 mass on Sunday, it's good to be scared, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and facing something new, doing what I wanted to do during this 23rd year of life. It's good, I'm growing. Here's hoping!

Labor Day

I'm a big fan of fall and family traditions. Today we all went to my Uncle Willie and Aunt Jess' house and had a picnic complete with Grandma's delicious scallopped potatoes (which she so lovingly sent extras home with me for lunch tomorrow :-D G-ma rocks!) my Aunt's delicious desserts and of course, it wouldn't be a family get together without a rousing game of wiffle ball :-D It's been a tradition in the family for prolly at least the past 20 years, most likely steming back into my dad's childhood. It's a lot more fun now that I am older and can follow the game, it's prolly something that aided in feeding my baseball obsession to this day. It was also a blast trying to teach my 3 year old cousin Clara the tricks to the sport. She loved hitting, hated fielding and didn't seem to have the patience to run the bases, she kept telling me that she was going to "sit on first till she has to run" lol. It was amazing, as were the efforts from my 50 year old father and 42 year old uncle as they attempted to play as the did as children.

The fall is so full of family traditions up to the Holidays, must be why I love fall and winter so much. September 12 is a birthday party for my cousin who will be 5, September 20 is the Wilson family reunion, I get to see Uncle Pete who looks so much like my late grandfather it makes me want to cry, along with all his siblings who I try to talk to since G-pa died when I was so young. September 23-25 is the Lampeter Faire where the family tries to go, get the best food, look at the things my grandma and cousins entered and how many ribbons the family as won, my G-pa use to love the faire. I love having so many family events coming up. I'm so lucky to have a large family that is so close. God has blessed me.

Sorry

I apologize for my emotional "public" break down last night. Guess that's what happens when you hold everything in for months at a time. I feel much better today. Going to enjoy today, my dad is currently smoking pork for 9 hours so we can have pork bbq and tonight my family is having a bon fire where I shall be burning pictures of Mark Teixeira, it's every Oriole fans dream. Hope you are all doing well and once again, sorry. Love you all!

I'm so emotional...

*warning* this blog entry will get very personal.

I am currently going through an emotional rollercoaster, most of which can be so graciously applied to a wonderful condition I have called PMDD. PMDD is Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and is a condition associated with severe emotional and physical problems that are linked closely to a certain female issue.

I did something I prolly shouldn't have today, I went a saw a "chick flick" with my sister and a friend. It was a good movie, we saw 500 Days of Summer, but once again at the end of the movie, I was left with the, were is my great love? and a huge empty pit in my heart and I HATE IT! It makes me want to take a long hike, stand on a cliff and SCREAM!(which would prolly be beneficial if not for the spiders along the hike) I'm so fraustrated with this all!

I feel like at 23 that I haven't lived and truthfully I haven't. Hell, I haven't even had my first kiss yet and feel like I have LOSER stamped across my forehead telling all men to clearly stay away from this one, she's a "good girl". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I just need to find a place where I can fit in. These weekends I find myself hanging out with my sister and her best friend from college who is a wonderful person and I love hanging out with both of them, but when they talk about college stories and college friends, I get bored and realize that I don't have people in my life that I can talk to like that. It breaks my heart. I love my best friend so much but I don't get to see her very often, she married a wonderful man and they live up around Harrisburg and I am so happy for her but when I get upset like this, I don't have anyone to call. I have a journal to write in and tonight I'm turning to this blog.

I'm a very lonely person. That's why I love dogs so much, they never leave me, I can tell them anything and they still love me, and it's prolly why I love the Orioles so much, every night for 162 nights they are there for me, they are stable and no matter how bad they do, or how mad I get at them, they come back the next day and do it all over again and at the end of the season, I know they always come back in April. They have never left me, like so many others have. I can count on them, which is something that has been hard for me to find, especially in guys.

I had a boyfriend a while back, we use to talk on the phone for 3 hours a night. He is a great guy and a good friend, he helped me through a lot, but when you know your not meant to be together, you break up. He found an amazing girl now and I'm so happy for him, he deserves it. I just want to know when I finally will. I have built a wall so high around my heart right now that I'm almost afraid no man will ever care enough to come in and knock it down. I fear that I will live my life alone and in Lancaster. Both my sisters have plans to move away, and when the day comes my parents go, sure, I'll still have my wonderful family around me, but at night, I'll be alone with my dog, a journal and a blog and that's not a life I want to live.

I want to live a good life, have wonderful stories to tell my kids, get my first kiss. Everytime I try to do something new and adventurous, something comes along and knocks me back. Back into the same "good girl" form every excepts of me, I feel like a robot walking a straight line and always taking orders or a puppet being passed around in a circle. The one who cooks and cleans and sews and bakes and takes care of everyone else but herself. Maybe it's the PMDD talking or maybe for once, I'm letting a little piece of my heart out. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there my dreams will all come true.

It's like that song "Somewhere Out There" from Fivel. I know he's out there somewhere, I just hope I find him in enough time. Or that I haven't already let him pass me by because I am truly so scared to let another man into my heart. It's been broken one too many times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRjb8sMjYu8

Someday...HA!

While at my "usual place" aka Barnes and Nobles, I was casually looking through thousands of book titles and trying to see what each book might be about with out actually reading the backs, silly I know, I know you can't judge a book by it's cover but it helps to feed my crazy imagination and also, sometimes, I feel that you can get a lot from a book's cover. Take this for example, I stumbled upon "The Reality of a Jane Austen Addict". I paused for a moment and thought, hum, that could really describe me and in a downward spiral and course of events (a night thinking and all day at working thinking), I stumbled once more on the subject I long to fill, that of my future husband. From Jane Austen to Disney, us woman have had it pounded in our brains that we must find the "one true love" or "our prince charming" and of course the song from Snow White "Someday My Prince Will Come", the vicious cycle just keeps going and going. ENOUGH already, I want to scream at the world. Why is it that we all think that we won't be complete until we find our husbands? or wifes for you guys? I am dying to get married as much as the next person, but why are we all in such a hurry to get there? We are listening to society and the media and stupid movies that have no bases on actual reality and we are swept away into fairy tale land and thus we end up alone. From the time we are 2 we get this image of a man in our minds that has to be perfect. A gentleman, a romantic, someone with class and grace, all of which are wonderful traits except when mixed with, a white horse, tons of money, a castle, crowned jewels and an ego big enough to wear them on there over grown heads. Sorry, egos are such a turn off for me... Maybe the problem with all of us is that we haven't found our husbands because we are focused too much on the Fairy Tale prince and not The Prince. I personally want my husband to be more like Christ than Prince Charming any day of the week.





My blog just took a whole new turn on me as I sit here writting. It matches nothing on my notebook paper and maybe that's because there was a point to all of this. My future husband needs to be more like Christ and less like Disney princes. Hum... I need to go think and pray on all of this.





Isn't it strange how things just hit you sometimes, your eyes pop open and you're like Ah Ha! Or so I hope.





Screw what society says, I'm going with what I say. Someday my prince will come and He'll be awesome.

PS. Rascal Flatts concert=MOST AMAZING CONCERT EVER!!!!!!!!