On the Verge...

Of a major anxiety attack, I can feel it coming like a fierce storm and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hope I can sleep tonight. I am so looking forward to church tomorrow. Last week I sat in church praying and focusing on God and it was wonderful, I look forward to at least once a week fully submerging yourself in God's house and always get wonderful things out of Mass. Being Catholic is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Last week I even got a little suprise, during the collection I turned to hand the basket off and who is behind me? My friend Shawn just smiling away, I don't get to see him much so it made me very happy. I love my church family always there to support you and give you what you need even if it's just a friendly smile when you feel so blah inside.

I can't explain what is going on, money is extremely tight, my love life is non-exsistant (which I am patiently waiting on), I work my butt off only to be critisied (sp?) for the dumbest thing, I go to work with migraines, I have headaches all the time, I'm bruising so easily and I feel so crappy and tired and like my head is just going to explode. It's just too much and I am slowly losing control.

But maybe that's the point, maybe God wants me to lose control (b/c I am a bit of a control freak) and help me to realize that I need to trust him and not try to control my own destiny. I got that in the biggest wake up call ever this week!

My aunt went into labor a month early and delievered the most beautiful 7.5lb baby boy I had ever seen. I was almost moved to tears holding my little cousin (who I have 22 years on, oh boy) and just staring at that wonderful miracle. My aunt had no control, the nursery is not ready, they didn't even have a pack of diapers (i helped with that lol) and yet, here was little Carter all ready to face the world. The family joked about his future, (i say a starting pitcher for the Orioles) others say linebacker or point guard and he peacefully sleeps in the corner making the cutest baby noises ever. As soon as I find my camera chord, I'll post pictures.

It brings things into focus for me, parts of my life are crumbling, I know this, I can see it, but others are blossoming beyond belief. Maybe that's God's way of helping me sort through the garbage and make sure only what I truly need makes it with me to my next chapter in this crazy life.

I'll be okay because I have God, I have my faith and I have my family (friends I include you as family) and you know what, God is in control and I wouldn't have it any other way. :-D

Searching

I currently find myself in a place where I feel that I am in a constant state of search, like a fork in the road or something, I dunno what it is but I'm out there looking for it. Part of me feels like it would be a man. I have a strong desire to get married and even have a wonderful man in my life that I could see me spending my entire life with. He's wonderful, he's great with kids, smart, cute, we have a wonderful relationship and have known each other forever but yet, have remained friends for the past 6 years. I pray every night for God to help me either shut the door and open a new one or brust this door wide open and let us be honest. Nothing happens. I feel as though I am back in middle school, the timid little girl who had to have her friends chase David around the gym in order to get him to dance with her. He was totally forced lol, of the days of middle school, would not want to go back!

I feel stuck, I want to move to Baltimore, I want to go back to school, I want to get married and have kids. I think I just want to much. Is that possible? Most imporantly I want a wonderful relationship with God (which I work on everyday) and a wonderful boyfriend. I know that it will all fall into place, but for now I am stuck searching...constantly searching and praying. Praying very hard.

VENTING...I am a horrible person

I need to vent before I go to bed...

I am a down right HORRIBLE human being... I can't help but feeling this way.

I got news today via "facebook" that someone from my past is now in a relationship and it pisses me off. Not because I am still in love with him, oh HELL No, but because I got hurt so badly among other things which I won't post that it doesn't make sense to me that he would find happiness before me.

He has a troubled past and I hope that this girl is good for him and can help him change things around, Lord knows I tried, but when do the good people of the world get to find their true loves? Their happiness?

I blame Disney.

Growing up I saw all these stories on true love and handsome princes and happily ever afters and NONE of it has EVER happened for me and it makes me sick to my stomach that a good Catholic girl like me has to sit back and watch everyone else in her life fall in love and she gives her heart and gives her heart and gets shit on every single time.

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

I deserve my prince charming, but as the world so kindly shows you, it appears he does not exsist.

I've been told on numerous occassions that good things come to those who wait.

Well I am a very patient person, but I feel like I have done my waiting. 3 freakin years! since my last sad excuse for a relationship!

I prolly sound really stupid and selfish and spoiled but I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE! I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I WANT KIDS. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. That's what I want and to me if I can get that, then I will have it all.

I'm going to go pray now. Pray for God to send me a truly wonderful man.

I pray to find him soon.

Feeling Blue

I'm feeling pretty depressed tonight. I found out that my "dream guy" Brian Roberts of the Baltimore Orioles (listed down below) is in fact getting married this month. I am realistic and I know that the odds of me ACTUALLY marrying the man are slim to know (especially know) every girl has that one "fantasy guy" who tops the list of all lists and for me to know he's married sucks. I honestly cried a little. To top it all off, all my friends are going back to school this week, with the exception of Matt and Scott who I love dearly but only ever see at work, 8 hrs every Saturday night... it sucks. I'm 22 years old and I have barely lived, I've done virtually nothing to tell my children about AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN KISSED. I depresses me so much because I don't understand what is so undesireable about me.

Two weeks ago I was talking to Scott and Mikey and I mentioned the fact that I wanted to learn to knit and they laughed and told me to become a old cat lady. It hurt me that two of my guy friends actually said that and I know if Scott knew that it hurt he'd actually feel bad which is why this won't be on facebook...

I have a 5th year High School Reunion coming up this year and it sucks. I am pretty much the same person I was then, same weight, same hair color, same everything. I was always known as the nice girl, which is okay but I'm tired of the rut I am in.

I'm getting old... I'm getting depressed... I'm ending up alone and all I want to do is get married and raise a happy family. I didn't realize it was such a high request. I get to see all the people I love be happy and I can't help but wonder when it will finally be my turn to feel some true happiness. To actually know what it's like to have a real man love you and not have some "Boyfriend" how only dated you because his parents said to. I'm such a loser.

2009 you will all start to see a new Kelly, I've decided to join weight watcher's and get a makeover and be the young adult I should be and not some 40 year old woman because as of right now the only guys hitting on me are 50 year old men and I mean, wtf? seriously...

Here's to finding my new dream guy. If anyone out there can help me find him, please let me know. I'd apprecaite prayers and will pray for you all in return too. God bless! Kelly (I refuse to be an old cat lady or a nun!!)

Damned If You Do

An interesting title for a blog, but fitting none the less. This is actually the title from an episode of House I watched last night. I do enjoy House very much and am surprised when I actually get something spiritual out of it. Call me crazy, but God reaches you in the most mysterious ways, of this I am sure.

This week as been a crazy, stressful and emotional week. Last night I was busy sewing pants for my boss for our Christmas party tomorrow night and I was very frustrated, because it was taking a while and I kept getting interrupted and all I wanted to do was sleep because work was so busy that day. I turned House on in the background for noise and was in and out of the episode for most of it. It made me semi angry because this episode focused on a Nun and House's character is very much "against God" which I don't get but whatever...

Anyway, there is one scene in the episode that truly touched me and brought me to tears. Dr. Chase is having a conversation with Sister Augustine while she thinks she is dying and he shares is favorite Bible verse and while it is "dumb-a-fied" For TV audiences, I had to find it for myself and just had to share.

Peter 1:6-9 "In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory and honor at the Revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him, you love him, even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

It amazes me how God always finds a way to "wake me up" and see that He is here and all around me. These stresses and trials are all trivial and they test my faith and I will make God proud for Mother Theresa says "God will never give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

"If God will bring you to it, God will bring you through it."

Another quote from the episode is where Dr. House is talking to Sister Augustine about how he doesn't believe in God and Sister Augustine says "in order for you to hate Him, you must believe He's there." so true, how could you "hate" an thing that "isn't there"? What a great thing to tell those who claim there is "No God" they have some waking up to do... that's for sure

Just something to think about and a wonderful way to end the work week for me! I'm off for a 4 day weekend now! Hope you all enjoy yours!

Oh and if you want to watch the episode, the title of it is my blog's title for today, it's Season 1 Episode 5, there Christmas episode!

God bless!

Kelly

Soo....

I have not been myself at all recently. Not that I haven't been trying... but none the less, depressing things have been following me and while I am deep in faith, I can't help but be sad. Thursday night I was out at JoAnn Fabrics buying fabric (of course) to make scrub tops, when my phone began ringing off the hook. One of my classmate's son's killed himself Wednesday night. He was only 14. It was a devestating blow, one I never saw coming and wish with all my heart could have been prevented. Tomorrow night is his memorial service. It is going to be the saddest thing I've ever been too in my entire life and I don't know if I am honestly fully ready to go through it, my family deaths are too recent in my mind. However I see the need to be there for my fellow classmate and friend far more than my need to hide away. The support I received while mourning my loved ones helped me in the end and I even had time to "prepare" for it. This was a sudden and even more devestating tradgy (sp?) and I will be there for her no matter what. Please pray for her and her family. I can not understand it nor do I think I will ever be able to, but I will support her and her family in any way I can. God bless.

UNeventful evening...

So I've been away from the blogging scene for a little. Sorry, I tend to blog in spurts. Blog when the feeling hits ya, know what I mean? Well since the doctor gave me a note to stay home from work, I find myself being able to BLOG. ooooooooo aaaaahhhhh... oh my I am bored.

So, update on little old me. I've been sick for like 3-4 weeks now and it's annoying. I've been falling asleep behind the wheel and almost hitting embankments, so I have that going for me now... lol. I had to have a bunch of tests and blood work done today. Note to all, if your dehydrated, don't get blood work done, I have a rather large cut from the needle b/c my skin was easy to tear... joy... I am actually hoping something shows up on the blood work though so that I know this isn't all in my head... speaking of which, hurts, so I'm gonna go lay down.

Oh and for the first time I was actually able to watch them take my blood... this medical professional thing must be wearing off on me now lol

OH and another thing, last night our hot water heater started smoking, that's always great sign. so yea... no hot water... that sucks, but it will all turn around and be better.

I got a new phone it's beautiful and named Rucksus so yea :-D

Enjoy this picture of my future husband :-D what a cutie!