Of a major anxiety attack, I can feel it coming like a fierce storm and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hope I can sleep tonight. I am so looking forward to church tomorrow. Last week I sat in church praying and focusing on God and it was wonderful, I look forward to at least once a week fully submerging yourself in God's house and always get wonderful things out of Mass. Being Catholic is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Last week I even got a little suprise, during the collection I turned to hand the basket off and who is behind me? My friend Shawn just smiling away, I don't get to see him much so it made me very happy. I love my church family always there to support you and give you what you need even if it's just a friendly smile when you feel so blah inside.
I can't explain what is going on, money is extremely tight, my love life is non-exsistant (which I am patiently waiting on), I work my butt off only to be critisied (sp?) for the dumbest thing, I go to work with migraines, I have headaches all the time, I'm bruising so easily and I feel so crappy and tired and like my head is just going to explode. It's just too much and I am slowly losing control.
But maybe that's the point, maybe God wants me to lose control (b/c I am a bit of a control freak) and help me to realize that I need to trust him and not try to control my own destiny. I got that in the biggest wake up call ever this week!
My aunt went into labor a month early and delievered the most beautiful 7.5lb baby boy I had ever seen. I was almost moved to tears holding my little cousin (who I have 22 years on, oh boy) and just staring at that wonderful miracle. My aunt had no control, the nursery is not ready, they didn't even have a pack of diapers (i helped with that lol) and yet, here was little Carter all ready to face the world. The family joked about his future, (i say a starting pitcher for the Orioles) others say linebacker or point guard and he peacefully sleeps in the corner making the cutest baby noises ever. As soon as I find my camera chord, I'll post pictures.
It brings things into focus for me, parts of my life are crumbling, I know this, I can see it, but others are blossoming beyond belief. Maybe that's God's way of helping me sort through the garbage and make sure only what I truly need makes it with me to my next chapter in this crazy life.
I'll be okay because I have God, I have my faith and I have my family (friends I include you as family) and you know what, God is in control and I wouldn't have it any other way. :-D
1 comment:
Hey Kelly I just discovered your blog! I didn't know you were struggling so much! Lets hang out sometime soon. For the summer, I am living at Andy Orrs' house. I feel bad, I basically abandoned you. Some of the things in your blog I can resonate with. I think it is beautiful how you take such solace in prayer.
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