Here I am, SEND ME!

This is the first place I am admitting something to you all. Only a few read this site and I trust you all so I feel it is safe until I know more...

I have been considering doing missionary work for the church for quiet a while now. As hesitant as I may be moving away from my family and friends and completely out of my comfort zone, I think it would be best for me. I have never left home, never did the school thing, never stepped out of my circle and now I am feeling called elsewhere. I dunno. I don't want to leave the country yet, but I want to work for my church and live completely in the faith without becoming a nun because God is calling me to marriage, my heart tells me so daily.

I've out grown Lancaster and constantly hear over and over again in my head, "Here I am Lord, is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night, I will go Lord, if you lead me, I will hold your people in my heart."

I want to be out there with his people, doing good and spreading the Word of God. Go forth and evangelize! It's right there in my church's mission.

The only thing that would keep me here is if God brought my husband to me, that would be a clear sign. Since that doesn't look like it's gonna happen... I just filled out the application. It's all in God's hands now. I have complete faith and trust in him. All I know now is I am not happy with the direction my life is going. This may just be the right place for me to go. Time will tell.

God is good. Please keep me in your prayers while I discern His calling.

Thank-you and God bless!

I love you all!

**OH and if anyone else feels called like me, let me know and I'll send you the site! A full year as a volunteer for Christ, what could be more wonderful??

Truth

I'm not very happy, but I think I know a way I can be...

Time to pray on it.

More to come later...

Contemplating

So can I just throw out there how much I love baseball??? America's greatest pasttime and a heck of a sport?? I am missing it right now, my Orioles are on the West Coast and the games don't come on till 10 and I have to be an "adult" now and have a "real job" so I can't stay up till 2 am watching them... grrr... can I also mention that I've only been to one game this year!?!?! it was opening day and totally rocked...crap I have to send that thank-you card! (sorry alicia, i almost forgot!) geez... side note.. i'm very distractable tonight. I feel like my posts recently have been towards the depressing side and although I am feeling fine, I can't help but feel slightly depressed whenever summer comes along, especially with little siblings in the house and most of your friends still being in school and have a whole summer to do things with till all hours of the night. It would be nice to stay out till 3 and not have to worry about waking up at 6:30 for work, but I have to be realistic, that's not my life anymore, school is behind me (for now anyway). I'm on a path to adulthood, it's scary, and sometimes i feel much older for my age. I want to do something more exciting, any ideas?? hmmm... i dunno. i need to get out of the house on weekends, get out there and do things because obviously Mr. Right isn't just going to come knocking at my door randomly. This isn't the 1700's when men caming courting (though I wish it were, sometimes I feel like I'd fit in better back there). I'm extremely old fashioned and conservative. My sisters call me a "prude" and sometimes even a "nun". I think it's false, since when did it become wrong to dress modestly and not be at the bar every weekend, it's just not my style and I'm not going to change it for anything in the world. That's not me. I'm not comfortable doing the things that most girls do these days (not all, many of us are the exception).

I was watching He's Just Not That Into You last night, LOVE that movie, it is great, lots of insights AND it takes place in Baltimore, I knew that 9 minutes into the movie and if your lucky enough to watch it with me, I'll show you how and where lol. Anyway, and the common thing that the one guy was saying is that most girls are the "rule" and not the "exception" but you know what, I am an exception to every rule by the media's standards and it's a lot of fun to be that way. I sew like my grandmother, I am perfectly fine with doing household work and would love to one day be a housewife, it's just who I am. Reminds me of a lyric, "It's all apart of me, that's who I am" lol anyway, I'm ranting on and on, I just have lots on my mind.

Somewhere out there is my exception to the rule :-D

Anyone want to go to an Orioles game with me?? I want to get a group of people together to go down! It will be soooooooo much fun and you'll see a side of me that's way different lol. Let me know! Go Orioles!

On the Verge...

Of a major anxiety attack, I can feel it coming like a fierce storm and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hope I can sleep tonight. I am so looking forward to church tomorrow. Last week I sat in church praying and focusing on God and it was wonderful, I look forward to at least once a week fully submerging yourself in God's house and always get wonderful things out of Mass. Being Catholic is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Last week I even got a little suprise, during the collection I turned to hand the basket off and who is behind me? My friend Shawn just smiling away, I don't get to see him much so it made me very happy. I love my church family always there to support you and give you what you need even if it's just a friendly smile when you feel so blah inside.

I can't explain what is going on, money is extremely tight, my love life is non-exsistant (which I am patiently waiting on), I work my butt off only to be critisied (sp?) for the dumbest thing, I go to work with migraines, I have headaches all the time, I'm bruising so easily and I feel so crappy and tired and like my head is just going to explode. It's just too much and I am slowly losing control.

But maybe that's the point, maybe God wants me to lose control (b/c I am a bit of a control freak) and help me to realize that I need to trust him and not try to control my own destiny. I got that in the biggest wake up call ever this week!

My aunt went into labor a month early and delievered the most beautiful 7.5lb baby boy I had ever seen. I was almost moved to tears holding my little cousin (who I have 22 years on, oh boy) and just staring at that wonderful miracle. My aunt had no control, the nursery is not ready, they didn't even have a pack of diapers (i helped with that lol) and yet, here was little Carter all ready to face the world. The family joked about his future, (i say a starting pitcher for the Orioles) others say linebacker or point guard and he peacefully sleeps in the corner making the cutest baby noises ever. As soon as I find my camera chord, I'll post pictures.

It brings things into focus for me, parts of my life are crumbling, I know this, I can see it, but others are blossoming beyond belief. Maybe that's God's way of helping me sort through the garbage and make sure only what I truly need makes it with me to my next chapter in this crazy life.

I'll be okay because I have God, I have my faith and I have my family (friends I include you as family) and you know what, God is in control and I wouldn't have it any other way. :-D

Searching

I currently find myself in a place where I feel that I am in a constant state of search, like a fork in the road or something, I dunno what it is but I'm out there looking for it. Part of me feels like it would be a man. I have a strong desire to get married and even have a wonderful man in my life that I could see me spending my entire life with. He's wonderful, he's great with kids, smart, cute, we have a wonderful relationship and have known each other forever but yet, have remained friends for the past 6 years. I pray every night for God to help me either shut the door and open a new one or brust this door wide open and let us be honest. Nothing happens. I feel as though I am back in middle school, the timid little girl who had to have her friends chase David around the gym in order to get him to dance with her. He was totally forced lol, of the days of middle school, would not want to go back!

I feel stuck, I want to move to Baltimore, I want to go back to school, I want to get married and have kids. I think I just want to much. Is that possible? Most imporantly I want a wonderful relationship with God (which I work on everyday) and a wonderful boyfriend. I know that it will all fall into place, but for now I am stuck searching...constantly searching and praying. Praying very hard.

VENTING...I am a horrible person

I need to vent before I go to bed...

I am a down right HORRIBLE human being... I can't help but feeling this way.

I got news today via "facebook" that someone from my past is now in a relationship and it pisses me off. Not because I am still in love with him, oh HELL No, but because I got hurt so badly among other things which I won't post that it doesn't make sense to me that he would find happiness before me.

He has a troubled past and I hope that this girl is good for him and can help him change things around, Lord knows I tried, but when do the good people of the world get to find their true loves? Their happiness?

I blame Disney.

Growing up I saw all these stories on true love and handsome princes and happily ever afters and NONE of it has EVER happened for me and it makes me sick to my stomach that a good Catholic girl like me has to sit back and watch everyone else in her life fall in love and she gives her heart and gives her heart and gets shit on every single time.

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

I deserve my prince charming, but as the world so kindly shows you, it appears he does not exsist.

I've been told on numerous occassions that good things come to those who wait.

Well I am a very patient person, but I feel like I have done my waiting. 3 freakin years! since my last sad excuse for a relationship!

I prolly sound really stupid and selfish and spoiled but I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE! I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I WANT KIDS. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. That's what I want and to me if I can get that, then I will have it all.

I'm going to go pray now. Pray for God to send me a truly wonderful man.

I pray to find him soon.

Feeling Blue

I'm feeling pretty depressed tonight. I found out that my "dream guy" Brian Roberts of the Baltimore Orioles (listed down below) is in fact getting married this month. I am realistic and I know that the odds of me ACTUALLY marrying the man are slim to know (especially know) every girl has that one "fantasy guy" who tops the list of all lists and for me to know he's married sucks. I honestly cried a little. To top it all off, all my friends are going back to school this week, with the exception of Matt and Scott who I love dearly but only ever see at work, 8 hrs every Saturday night... it sucks. I'm 22 years old and I have barely lived, I've done virtually nothing to tell my children about AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN KISSED. I depresses me so much because I don't understand what is so undesireable about me.

Two weeks ago I was talking to Scott and Mikey and I mentioned the fact that I wanted to learn to knit and they laughed and told me to become a old cat lady. It hurt me that two of my guy friends actually said that and I know if Scott knew that it hurt he'd actually feel bad which is why this won't be on facebook...

I have a 5th year High School Reunion coming up this year and it sucks. I am pretty much the same person I was then, same weight, same hair color, same everything. I was always known as the nice girl, which is okay but I'm tired of the rut I am in.

I'm getting old... I'm getting depressed... I'm ending up alone and all I want to do is get married and raise a happy family. I didn't realize it was such a high request. I get to see all the people I love be happy and I can't help but wonder when it will finally be my turn to feel some true happiness. To actually know what it's like to have a real man love you and not have some "Boyfriend" how only dated you because his parents said to. I'm such a loser.

2009 you will all start to see a new Kelly, I've decided to join weight watcher's and get a makeover and be the young adult I should be and not some 40 year old woman because as of right now the only guys hitting on me are 50 year old men and I mean, wtf? seriously...

Here's to finding my new dream guy. If anyone out there can help me find him, please let me know. I'd apprecaite prayers and will pray for you all in return too. God bless! Kelly (I refuse to be an old cat lady or a nun!!)