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Dancing

Every girl in the world dreams of one day dancing at her wedding. For me, I always dreamed of dancing of course with my father, but also my grandfathers. God had other plans though.

To me family is extremely important. I love my family very much. To be a 9 year old girl and those both your grandfathers was tradgic for me anyway. Today marks the 13 year annviersary of my Pop-Pop Heisey's death. I know I have spoken of him before, but I feel that I must again.

He was an army man, he served our country during WW2, Korea and Vitnam (sp?). I always looked up to him, he loved us all so very much. He was a jokester and he loved to eat sweets. He called us all "clowns" and I'd like to think that us grandkids where his pride and joy though I never actually heard him say that. He would have done anything for us, and done anything to protect us.

When I lost him, I tried to not cry, I tried to be a "strong little girl" for my Nana. I didn't want her to see me sad. I didn't want to cry in front of my mom. Maybe that's why I cry so much now, I held it in all the time as a kid, though I don't have a good reason for it.

On Friday night, I got a visit from my Pop-Pop. People may call me crazy, but my grandparents to visit me in my sleep occassionally. When I graduated high school, both my Pop-Pop and Grandpa visited me and in my dream with my Grandpa, I asked him, "how do I know you're really my Grandpa" and he licked his fingers and put out a candle on my birthday cake with his hands. I had no memory of him ever doing this and when I woke up the next morning, I asked my dad about it and he said that Grandpa use to do that all the time.

Anyway, in my dream, I was waiting in line to dance with I believe it was my Godfather and the line got cut off right in front of me. I was upset but there was another man standing in front of me with his back turned, he turned around and there standing right in front of me was my Pop-Pop. He asked me if he could dance with me and I cried and said yes. We talked and for a moment, I got to have that dance with my Pop-Pop that I was never able to have in my lifetime.

I asked him many things and we had a great conversation. I remember asking him if I should keep my job and he said "yes". I asked him if I was going to get in trouble and he said "no", not sure what I thought I was getting in trouble for though lol. I told him that I missed him soooooooooo much and loved him sooooooo much and he told me that he missed me and loved me too. I woke up with a smile and felt so peaceful.

Words cannot express how much I miss all my grandparents. I have had a very hard time dealing with this all for the past 13 years. I get so close to people and then they leave me. Through no fault of there own mind you. But still, I end up without them and am left to carry on. I have done my best. It's so nice to occassionally get a visit though. I got to give my Pop-Pop a kiss on the check last night, I felt this scruffiness of his not shaven face, I smelt his mixture of Old Spice and cigarettes. No one can tell me that wasn't my Pop-Pop the dream was too real.

I wish I would have gotten the chance to have the last 13 years with him. We would have been great friends. I am however greatful for the visit. It's the next best thing to having Pop-Pop himself.

Thank you Lord for the years I did have with him, my grandpa and my nana. I truly treasure them all. Thank you for blessing me with these amazing people. Thank you for the time we had together, no matter how short. May they all rest in peace.

Amen

The Chronicles of a Migraine Suffer

I have regretfully been a migraine sufferer of 4 years. Unlike many I know what triggered them in my life. While I won't go into the long story behind the start of my unfortunate pain, I must speak about this HORRIBLE thing called a migraine.

I have for some time now been attempting to manage my migraines to the best of my ability. I am on a preventitive and it had been working for months. Recently however (ever since my doctor switched my ppmd medication and sent my horomones haywire) I have been getting headsplitting, eye sight failing migraine headaches to the 50th power. All of which attack me at about 11:00am.

I SERIOUSLY WANT TO CUT MY HEAD OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in so much pain that I broke down and cried my freaking eyes out.

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, not even the new york yankees who I HATE!

Nothing is worse then having a headache that causes you to literally lose sight in your left eye, make your neck so stiff you can't look left to right, cause light, sound and smell to make you vomit, and your jaw to hurt beyond belief that even trying to tell your doctor about the pain causes you to hurt.

The doctor uped my medication.

Seriously, I can't live my life in this pain. It is horrible. I don't know what to do. I can't spend the next 70 years of my life suffering like this. I have to find a way to make it stop.

If this medication doesn't work, I'm demanding an MRI because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm done venting. I'm going to go put an ice pack on my neck.

2012

I must voice my opinion on this subject that I consider comletely ridiculous! You know, God works in extremely mysterious ways. Did anyone else happen to notice, that this weekend, the weekend that the "blockbuster film" 2012 came out, the gospel reading just happened to be about the end of times also?? AWESOME!!

I am a total nonbeliever in all this hype about the "end of times". Just because some culture out there had a timeline doesn't mean anything. Seriously, whose to say there isn't a missing piece.. I digress. Everytime this subject comes up, I always look at the person who I am talking too and state, "The Bible says you will not know the date or time of the end of the world." And while I knew it was in the Bible I never went in search of it, today however the Bible verse found me.

The end of the gospel today read "Truly I tell you, this generation will not pass away until all these things have taken place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away. But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come." Mark 13: 30-32.

My sister and I looked at each other and smiled, she pulled out her phone and typed in the verse so we could reference it on our return home. Inside I rejoiced and felt like I had won a small victory. Take that Myans! We WILL NOT KNOW THE TIME! It's so amazing.

Plus who is to say if this "mysterious disapperance of the myans" didn't have to do with what they were "messing" with. They were dealing with things they should not have and I'm not at all suprised that one day they were just gone.

No one knows when the end of the world is coming. Only God knows and I have a powerful sense of peace and comfort in that. God is who I trust. It doesn't get any better than that.

So to all those who are fearful of 2012, open your Bibles, your answer awaits you. We will not know the time.

You'll Be In My Heart

I am a firm believer in angels. God has blessed me with many angels in my life, through my family and my friends. As everyone has read, I've been kind of depressed recently. A lot of stuff has been going on and I just haven't been myself. Two weeks ago when feeling blue something tug at my heartstrings and told me to call my cousin Nate. I did and was invited to a seminar at his Church about God's Love for Me. While I had to miss last week's because I felt really crappy, it was amazing to be surronded by a great group of people and to hear the message he had. I will be going back this Sunday. By attending this with him it has also blessed me with getting to spend more time with my cousin and his roommate and my friend (I knew him first lol) Shawn. Just by being able to sit down with them and talk for hours has been an extreme blessing.

God has also blessed me with an amazingly strong family of wonderful supporters. A family that has NEVER stopped being there for each other. Even in death.

People may think I am crazy, I'm not sure how all these things are tolerated in the world, but I'm going to talk anyway.

January 15, 1996 I lost my Grandpa Wilson. I will never forget it. On January 10, 1996 (I remember I was at home watching 90210 with my mom, it was a Wednesday night) we got a frantic call from my Grandma saying that Grandpa left to go pick up his sister from work and never came home. While on his way to do just that, my Grandpa had something go wrong with his heart, it was right after the blizzard of 1996 and he crashed into a snow bank. 3 cars behind, a nurse was in the car, she and other good samaritans (sp?) pulled my Grandpa from the car and began CPR. An ambulance was called and through all this comotion, my Grandpa's wallet fell out of his pocket. Making him a "John Doe" until the finally identified him. Through all the help of strangers and doctors and nurses, it was too late for him. He was in a coma for 5 days and passed away in his sleep on Martin Luther King Jr.'s Day. I will never forget the message on the phone and throwing myself onto the couch in a river of tears. I often wonder if I could go back in time, if the 9 year old little Kelly could have saved her grandfather, only if I knew then what I know now could I have helped.

August 1996 I left the shelter of St. Anne's and was dropped into public school for the first time ever.

December 13, 1996 my Pop-Pop Heisey passed away. He was a smoker all his life and was stationed in Japan during WWII when America dropped the bomb. Needless to say he had lung cancer. He also had an ulcer in his stomach so large he practically didn't have one. My Pop had being telling us all that he had been going to his doctor's appointments but he hadn't. He knew the truth, he didn't want us to hurt. He always cared for us and defended us and loved us with his whole heart. For me as a kid, he was always so much fun. He played video games all night, ate ice cream for dessert and was quiet the jokester. I loved him very much. I'll never forget the last conversation I had with him on the phone. He was in the hospital and he was dying. He was coughing like crazy on the other end. He kept telling me how much he was looking forward to going to the beach with me that coming summer. He told me he loved me. He went to a doctor's appointment (this time my Nana took him) and he was admitted into the hospital. He knew he had cancer, but he didn't want to fight, he fought all his life. He served our country during 3 wars and helped raise all of us. We didn't want to see him suffer. He passed away on the Friday the 13th, two hours before my 5th grade chours concert. 2 weeks before Christmas.

I was a sad little girl that year, I lost two men I loved more than anything. It's amazing I love Christmas so much. The nine year old girl inside of me, cannot wait until the day I get to go to heaven and go running into the arms of my amazing and wonderful grandfathers. It will be the most amazing reunion.

Anyway, to the point of my story. Even though my grandfathers are gone, I feel as though our relationship is still as close today as it was 13 years ago. I believe that in moments when I need them most, my grandfathers are still here with me. They love me and they protect me. A few years ago I was in the basement, crying, upset and angry. I was yelling at God and yelling at them for leaving me. All of the sudden, out of no where the radio began to play "Phil Collins, You'll Be In My Heart". The first line of the song is "Come stop your crying, it will be alright, just take my hand, hold it tight, I will protect you from all around you, I will be here don't you cry."I sobbed , I knew in my heart that it was them giving me a message right to my heart. My favorite line is "When destiny calls you, you must be strong, I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on, they'll see in time, we'll show them together."

To this day, when I am upset, I still hear the song. On the radio or my mp3 player (on shuffle) while driving my the cemetary Grandpa's is buried in (I pass it everyday), in my head and my heart, all over the place. It's hard to explain, but I know it's them. They are with me always, just like the song says. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJh-oU0M9Y

Anywhere??

I know that recently my blog has somehow managed to worry a few people. But I'm still not back to being me just yet. I'm really sad. The shining light I have in the future is that Christmas is coming but then I think about how I'm going to pay for these Christmas gifts, and I think about the fact that I have to face my Pop-Pop and Grandpa's 13th and 14th year anniversary of their deaths right around Christmas.

I am too focused on the negative, which totally isn't me. I see me heading down a path to which I was once in therapy for. My blog is my outlet. My "secret" place.

The thought of going to work in the morning makes me sick to my stomach. My neck and shoulders and head kill me from the stress. I can literally feel my cross pushing down on me and I am struggling to carry it.

It's not just work, it's life and I can't seem to find a place that I feel truly fits me and a place where I belong.

I heard a song over the weekend. A song about home being "just south of the mason-dixon line", and that's true to me. Maybe it's high time I consider moving away from Lancaster.

I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry, I want to tear something to shreds. I want to pray, I want to heal. I want to belong.

I want my CCD class to listen to me. I want things to go my way for once. I want a job I love and a man to love. I think I want too much.

Can't break free

I'm in a funk and I can't break free. I'm home all alone again,bored, sad, no one to talk to, so I turn to my blog, that has maybe 4 readers. Here are my words. I feel so strange right now. I was in bed till 12:30 today and want to go back to bed. I want to go on a hike but the weather sucks. I feel crappy. I don't know how to break out of the way I feel. I'm not happy and I could really use some prayers sent my way right about now. I haven't felt like this is about 4 years. This weekend brought back a lot of repressed memories and I don't like it. I really shouldn't be alone right now, but I am. Everyone else is out tonight, for it is Halloween, frankly I hate halloween. It's a stupid day. Tomorrow I am throwing my class a All Saint's Day party, none of my presents came in the mail, I am unprepared now and I want to cry. I feel like curling up in a fetal position in my back yard, laying there, hoping for rain. My mood sucks. Maybe it's good I'm alone right now. I doubt I would answer anyone if they tried to call me anyway. I'm not in a party mood so I don't know how tomorrow will actually go. I don't even feel like putting on my Saint costume. I doubt anyone will be able to tell what Saint I am anyway. What's the point to any of this? Life pretty much just sucks right now. Things are going horribly wrong. I am praying that church will shine some light on me tomorrow. Church is great for my soul. I need to go on a retreat. I miss the retreats I attended in youth group. They helped keep me focused. I hope the yankees lose tonight. I pray for my future. I'm scared of what it holds. So many questions are unanswered. Things are difficult. I have no one to talk to but this blog. I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear. I feel like I'm bleeding but no one can tell. I feel like I'm drowning but no one notices.

When did I become invisible?