On the Verge...

Of a major anxiety attack, I can feel it coming like a fierce storm and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hope I can sleep tonight. I am so looking forward to church tomorrow. Last week I sat in church praying and focusing on God and it was wonderful, I look forward to at least once a week fully submerging yourself in God's house and always get wonderful things out of Mass. Being Catholic is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Last week I even got a little suprise, during the collection I turned to hand the basket off and who is behind me? My friend Shawn just smiling away, I don't get to see him much so it made me very happy. I love my church family always there to support you and give you what you need even if it's just a friendly smile when you feel so blah inside.

I can't explain what is going on, money is extremely tight, my love life is non-exsistant (which I am patiently waiting on), I work my butt off only to be critisied (sp?) for the dumbest thing, I go to work with migraines, I have headaches all the time, I'm bruising so easily and I feel so crappy and tired and like my head is just going to explode. It's just too much and I am slowly losing control.

But maybe that's the point, maybe God wants me to lose control (b/c I am a bit of a control freak) and help me to realize that I need to trust him and not try to control my own destiny. I got that in the biggest wake up call ever this week!

My aunt went into labor a month early and delievered the most beautiful 7.5lb baby boy I had ever seen. I was almost moved to tears holding my little cousin (who I have 22 years on, oh boy) and just staring at that wonderful miracle. My aunt had no control, the nursery is not ready, they didn't even have a pack of diapers (i helped with that lol) and yet, here was little Carter all ready to face the world. The family joked about his future, (i say a starting pitcher for the Orioles) others say linebacker or point guard and he peacefully sleeps in the corner making the cutest baby noises ever. As soon as I find my camera chord, I'll post pictures.

It brings things into focus for me, parts of my life are crumbling, I know this, I can see it, but others are blossoming beyond belief. Maybe that's God's way of helping me sort through the garbage and make sure only what I truly need makes it with me to my next chapter in this crazy life.

I'll be okay because I have God, I have my faith and I have my family (friends I include you as family) and you know what, God is in control and I wouldn't have it any other way. :-D

Searching

I currently find myself in a place where I feel that I am in a constant state of search, like a fork in the road or something, I dunno what it is but I'm out there looking for it. Part of me feels like it would be a man. I have a strong desire to get married and even have a wonderful man in my life that I could see me spending my entire life with. He's wonderful, he's great with kids, smart, cute, we have a wonderful relationship and have known each other forever but yet, have remained friends for the past 6 years. I pray every night for God to help me either shut the door and open a new one or brust this door wide open and let us be honest. Nothing happens. I feel as though I am back in middle school, the timid little girl who had to have her friends chase David around the gym in order to get him to dance with her. He was totally forced lol, of the days of middle school, would not want to go back!

I feel stuck, I want to move to Baltimore, I want to go back to school, I want to get married and have kids. I think I just want to much. Is that possible? Most imporantly I want a wonderful relationship with God (which I work on everyday) and a wonderful boyfriend. I know that it will all fall into place, but for now I am stuck searching...constantly searching and praying. Praying very hard.

VENTING...I am a horrible person

I need to vent before I go to bed...

I am a down right HORRIBLE human being... I can't help but feeling this way.

I got news today via "facebook" that someone from my past is now in a relationship and it pisses me off. Not because I am still in love with him, oh HELL No, but because I got hurt so badly among other things which I won't post that it doesn't make sense to me that he would find happiness before me.

He has a troubled past and I hope that this girl is good for him and can help him change things around, Lord knows I tried, but when do the good people of the world get to find their true loves? Their happiness?

I blame Disney.

Growing up I saw all these stories on true love and handsome princes and happily ever afters and NONE of it has EVER happened for me and it makes me sick to my stomach that a good Catholic girl like me has to sit back and watch everyone else in her life fall in love and she gives her heart and gives her heart and gets shit on every single time.

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

I deserve my prince charming, but as the world so kindly shows you, it appears he does not exsist.

I've been told on numerous occassions that good things come to those who wait.

Well I am a very patient person, but I feel like I have done my waiting. 3 freakin years! since my last sad excuse for a relationship!

I prolly sound really stupid and selfish and spoiled but I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE! I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I WANT KIDS. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. That's what I want and to me if I can get that, then I will have it all.

I'm going to go pray now. Pray for God to send me a truly wonderful man.

I pray to find him soon.